I hurt myself today. I was on Twitter talking about rape culture & this triggering victim blaming post at VSB. And it triggered the hell out of me so I’m just going to say up front that this is coming from that place. See, I said the things I needed to say, but now I have to say something else & it is too long for twitter. And although I am directing this specifically to black men, overall this is something I feel needs to be said to everyone. Black women (like me) are more likely to be victims of domestic violence and sexual assault than almost any other group (the numbers are also incredibly high for NDN women), and we are out here on the front lines every day. Black men expect us to have their backs in battles with institutionalized racism. And mostly we do. But, we’re not seeing a whole lot of return on that investment when it comes to institutionalized racialized misogyny. And that fucking hurts.

Yes, on an individual level some of you are right there in the trenches with us. But some of you? Man look, I know life is hard for everyone of color on some level, but we shouldn’t have to worry about being safe from men in our communities as well as men outside our communities. And yes, men are victimized too. I know that, but I’m a woman and I’m going to speak from my experience in this post. Because here’s the thing, it’s easy to say that women should know better, do better at staying away from bad guys. But, it’s not like they’re wearing a sign around their necks. And often those guys have friends who are decent dudes. So we assume that they are decent too until they show us something different.

Sometimes they show us early enough & lightly enough that we get out of the situation basically unscathed. But sometimes? Sometimes your boy that you know ain’t shit that’s been dogging some broad out? Yeah, he proceeds to fuck that broad up the first time she catches wind of a problem. And instead of jumping bad at him, too many of you start blaming her. That’s a terrible thing to do. And you know it. Because your boy has already told enough jokes, or said enough off shit that you wouldn’t let him near your sister, your baby cousin, or your best friend. So, why is he still your boy?

Real talk, I have some female friends that are messy who don’t do half the shit I see some dudes out here doing, and I keep them away from my guy friends. Because they’re messy & I don’t want anyone I care about to get hurt. If I could I’d warn off some other folks too. But my friends aren’t rapists or abusers. People like that don’t get to stay in my life. Some of you are friends with dudes who are both. Hell, some of you reading this (whether you admit it to yourself or not) are guilty of those behaviors. And while I’m all for redemption or whatever, I really need to know how much shit has to happen to black women at the hands of black men, before y’all start checking each other? What does it take for men of color to really collectively dig into confronting their privilege & misogyny? We know some of you hate us, now we want to know what those of you who don’t hate us are going to do about it?

An Open Letter From A Black Woman -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

I wrote this last night while we were talking about this NSFW picture on Tumblr and all the cultural connotations imbedded in the idea of the knowing sexually available black woman teaching the young white man. We got off into sex positivity, the racially specific messages about sex that WOC often get inside their communities as well as what is projected on them from the outside and what all of that really means for us. Then we started talking about consent & how it has been an illusion for so many WOC throughout history. One of my great grandmothers was a quadroon out of Louisiana, and while I’m pretty she was at the base of all the anti sex messages I got from my grandmother, I can only imagine what led her there & what led my grandmother to where she ended up. She could run numbers, but my grandmother always made sex sound like a chore. So, this is a rough approximation of something I want to expand on later.

Looking back I don’t think they could conceive of actually owning their bodies in any meaningful way. I come from a family of beautiful women with hourglass figures (and before someone starts in about arrogance, I am not trying to be a shit, it is just our reality is one where we tend to fall into that range of physical symmetry that American culture prizes), who spent a lot of time fleeing or hiding or passing as men if they could in order to travel safely and those were skills and lessons that they passed on to their girl children. I struggle with the idea that my body belongs to me, and that’s after some legal protections (however weak and ill applied) for black women were codified. Imagine being an attractive WOC with not even that hint of protection.

Further, imagine a reality where rape isn’t even a concept that applies to you. A white man wants your body? Well shit, that’s what it’s there for so lay down girl so he can do his business and move on. A black man wants you? So? Be grateful someone wants you. After all, what other purpose can your body serve in this world when it looks like that? You’re too sexy to be sexless, & you’re not allowed any power including the power to say no. At least not here in your home. So, what do you do? You run. North to that mythical promised land of freedom. Only you’re not free there either. Not really. Different standards apply & maybe having a husband is some protection, but him being your husband after a lifetime of sexual trauma isn’t the same as whatever things might have been if your body ever belonged to you. And so you teach your daughters that sex is a thing they must do to appease men, but you separated from yourself to get through what happened & you try to teach them how to do that out front so they won’t hurt like you do. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t but either way you’re trying to make the best of an awful reality. And they learn their own version of the lesson that they try to pass on to their daughters. Because a black girl child isn’t safe any where & so the cycle begins again only you’re further North, or education is a protection that marriage was not, or your daughters have learned not to feel, or whatever else you think might make things better.

Now here I stand, the last of a line of women who never owned their bodies with my own scars. I lost the right to my body before I ever knew it was mine & I have the education, the husband, the law, & still none of it made consent matter as much as it should in my life either. So I teach my sons about enthusiastic consent & hope that works out for someone else’s daughter. And I can enjoy sex, albeit with a heavy dose of shame at times, and much coaxing from a patient man who can live with the fact that sometimes I cannot be touched at all. But I still don’t know what consent looks like without baggage, because when I cannot bear touching I will fight like a rabid dog to keep hand off me and my body to myself even though I don’t really believe it is mine and mine alone. That’s our rape culture. Consent is an illusion, the law doesn’t really protect us, & the risk of enjoying sex might be the thing that turns around to bite out our souls when it blows up in our face.

On Consent, Sex Positivity, & Cultures of Color after Colonization -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

1. If your biggest complaint about American black women & their activism is that they are so focused on their fight that they aren’t willing to fight your battles? It might be time to examine your internalized Mammy issues.

2. If you think we owe you admission to our spaces & silence while you’re in them? It might be time to examine your internalized Mammy issues.

3. If you think we owe you our time, energy, & passion and you owe us nothing? It is time to examine your Mammy issues.

I’m not here to clean up your mess, carry your spear, hold your hand, or cheer you own while I suffer in silence. I’m not here to raise your children, assuage your guilt, build your platforms, or fight your battles. If you don’t like the spaces that we’ve carved out for ourselves, or the way we run them? That’s fine. BUILD YOUR OWN SPACES! DO YOUR OWN WORK! You want a partner? I’m down. You want a Mammy? Get away from me before I really hurt your feelings.

Newsflash: That Mammy thing? That claptrap about the happy servant overjoyed to leave her family to serve someone else’s? That was just that a convenient myth for racists. Those same racists are still exporting the ideal that we are too loud, too angry, too ugly, & too beastly to be treated as human. We heard it when we were slaves & we heard it through Jim Crow, & we are still hearing it now as we sit at the intersection of racism & misogyny in our own culture.That’s why we’re fighting back on our own terms.

We are fighting a war on so many sides that it isn’t even funny & we already know that many of our so called allies will stab us in the back if it benefits their cause. We have had this fight with black men, white women, the LGBT community, & so many others that I could write three lists. So, if all you have to say to us is more whining about how we’re not making activism easier for you? We don’t care. We’re not going to care. Pick up the tools we’ve already created & use them or go wallow in your misery somewhere else.

Now, please go tell it on the mountain about how I’ve silenced you & let me know if that accomplishes anything for your cause.  I’ll tell you a secret…it won’t do anything, but keep you wasting your energy on supporting the same oppressors you claim to be fighting. Address those Mammy issues, address your own issues, do something about some issue somewhere except look at us to fix it for you.

Of Activists, Feminism, & Mammy issues -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

Sister Song website

Reproductive Justice: 101

Loretta Ross of SisterSong on “Reproductive Justice 101″ Part 1

Loretta Ross of SisterSong: Women of Color Reproductive Health Collective, gives a lecture on “Reproductive Justice 101″ in Miami during June of 2008, sponsored by Women’s Fund of Miami and Mi Lola. Check out their website at http://sistersong.net/

Loretta Ross of SisterSong on “Reproductive Justice 101″ Part 2

Loretta Ross of SisterSong: Women of Color Reproductive Health Collective, gives a lecture on “Reproductive Justice 101″ in Miami during June of 2008, sponsored by Women’s Fund of Miami and Mi Lola. Check out their website at http://sistersong.net/

Reproductive Justice: Abortion

Loretta Ross: The Economic and Racial Dynamics of Abortion

Loretta Ross, reproductive justice and human rights activist, talks about the racial and economic dynamics of abortion, STDs, teen pregnancy and health care.

The 2010 Documentary “The Abortion Conspiracy

Abortion Conspiracy Part 1: The Billboard Campaign

Part 2

Episode Two of a five part series looking at a right wing conspiracy theory that abortion in communities of color is genocide. This video covers Pro Life Freedom Rides staged by Priests for Life in the summer of 2010.

Part 3

Abortion Conspiracy Episode 3: This video examines a right wing documentary which alleges that abortion in the African American community is genocide. Through fear mongoring and guilt by association, it tires to make the case that this is a conspiracy led by Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood.

Abortion Conspiracy Part 4: Racial Uplift

Part 4 of a five part series on the right wing effort to portray abortion as genocide in communities of color. This episode profiles several African Americans who work in the field of reproductive health: an abortion provider, a volunteer at a hotline which offers counseling and two escorts at an abortion clinic in the south.

Abortion Conspiracy Part 5 The Mid Term Elections

One of the strategies of the right wing conspiracy theory that abortion amounts to genocide in the African American community is to try to fragment the Democratic base in the 2010 mid term elections. This episode asks if this strategy will have any effect.

2010: Are Black Children an ‘Endangered Species’? (The shorter version)

Reproductive Rights: Birth

Atlanta: The Doula Story

This video profiles Perez Ridley, a Doula in Atlanta, GA, who counsels pregnant teens on behalf of the Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention.

Northwest Doula Conference 2010

Shafia M. Monroe – Certified Midwife, founder and president of International Center for Traditional Childbearing – presenter on Full Circle Birth Traditions

The Legacy of the Black Midwife Part 1/6

The Legacy of the Black Midwife Part 2/6

The Legacy of the Black Midwife Part 3/6

The Legacy of the Black Midwife Part 4/6

The Legacy of the Black Midwife Part 5/6

The Legacy of the Black Midwife Part 6/6(end)

Reproductive Justice part 2: Reproductive 101, Deconstructing the current anti-abortion efforts targeting Black women; also, doulas and midwives. -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

Today in my class we were trying to learn a camera technique. We decided to use funny youtube videos to illustrate the proper way to shoot the scenes we wanted. And my classmates decided that the Antoine Dodson videos were such GREAT candidates because man, wasn’t he SO FUNNY?!?!? I tried to point out the fact that he was talking about his sister’s rape. The response? They didn’t mind that, they were not laughing at him (o rly?) and my personal favorite…”At least he has a sense of humor about it”. And then they went on to discuss dressing up as him on fucking HALLOWEEN.

And this wasn’t just the white kids. There were the other black kids in on this, who thought it was just as funny as the white kids did. After all, isn’t he black and gay and lowerclass and acting in ways not coded masculine? Isn’t that so uncomfortable for us middleclass folk?And his actions and his way of expressing himself became the goddamn story, instead of WHAT he was saying, which was that he was pissed at his sister being almost raped. Hell his sister was written out of the story entirely, so that we the class privileged, we who act our genders as society dictates, we racially privileged, we the women who want to want to believe that rape will not happen to us because we live/work/walk/drive in the right places could laugh. because rape is so fucking funny. because standing up for your sister’s right to lie in her fucking bed without being targeted is so fucking funny. hell it’s not even worthy of note, because your brother’s method of expression is not societally sanctioned and that is much more important than the fact that this fucking culture has a HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM IN THAT RAPE IS UBIQUITOUS AND NEEDS TO BE FUCKING STOPPED. Oh i forget. women are not really human are they? Especially if they are poor. Even worse if they are of color. Immigrants. Prostitutes. Women come in classes, people and dignity and humanity are a zerosum game.

And anyway, he got money from it! (After we made it quite clear that we as a society would completely refuse to take him seriously, to busy reinforcing our class, race, gender presentation and other privileges to see the humanity in a woman being attacked and her brother coming to her aid. They are not worth society’s outrage and protection are they? Of course not.) Hell, even BET, got into the fun. They brought him on to make him perform the “Bed Intruder” Song. Yes, yes they did. A young woman’s near rape was turned into fucking entertainment for the “best and brightest” at the “premier” black awards show!!!!

Oh, and just to make this situation even MORE fucked up, Mr. Dodson is a rape victim himself.

And this is how the mainstream news proceeded to frame it:

Like many, Dodson is hoping to take his 15 seconds of celebrity and turn it into a greater opportunity. “I just want to be the voice of people who are going through similar situations that have gotten their case swept under the rug,” he says. “Most of my fans are victims of rape and molestation and they reach out to me anyway so I just talk to them and comfort them. I try to tell them the ways that I dealt with it because I’m a rape victim myself.”

Because its HIS fault that that the society found this fucking FUNNY and made him into a famous internet meme.

You know what? Other people have taken apart this situation way better than I can:

Think twice

think twice before you laugh at antoine dodson. i know everything is supposed to take a backseat to short-lived fame and exposure. but how would you feel if your sister was attacked by a rapist and people did nothing about it? officials laughed at you, police took their time coming to investigate, media crews didn’t arrive until you called them, and then your time on the news gets spoofed to entertain others instead of warn them. antoine’s taking his time in the spotlight in stride, and i think he’s doing it for kelly’s sake. i hope all the people laughing and singing “hide your kids, hide your wife” are writing all of the people in kelly’s community and state to do something about catching the rapist.

i planned to write about this at feministe, fast on the heels of the gang rape of a 12-year-old at a nearby skatepark. what does it mean when you read about attack after attack after attack, and one of the thoughts in your head is “i hope no one auto-tunes something like this” or “how can this story garner more attention than it’s gotten,” when these stories should be enough to knock ten people on their asses with grief.MORE

Flava Of The Month?: The Antoine Dodson Aftermath

By now many of us know how the story started: on the morning of July 28th, a man broke into the Dodson home in Huntsville, Ala. and, according to Antoine’s sister Kelly, attempted to assault her in her bedroom. As originally reported by WAFF-TV, Antoine struggled with the assailant, who subsequently escaped.

The first thing to note is that WAFF’s original story was not a live-shot. Meaning both the reporter, Elizabeth Gentle, and her editors had virtually the entire business day to get an interview with either a police spokesperson or the crime scene investigator shown at the scene to add to the story and respond to Antoine’s allegation about there being “a rapist in Lincoln Park” – for instance, had there been similar incidents in the area as of late? Gentle also had time to get a description of the alleged assailant from either the Dodsons or the police department, information that would be useful when the suspect in a forced entry and attempted sexual assault is still at large.

Instead, as you can see, the bulk of the story is devoted to capturing Antoine’s anger. And while the visceral emotion might have made for “compelling television,” that kicked off the most disturbing part of this entire affair. While it’s possible this is because of her own choice, Kelly Dodson, the original victim of the assault, became a non-factor in the story. In fact, WAFF aired a follow-up story that completely ignored her and focused on the online fuss surrounding Antoine, while absolving itself of any fault for its’ own reporting:MORE

On Feminism, Liberals, Black Folks and Antione Dodson

In the midst of this institutional racism are the actions of three groups that cannot be ignored:

1. the viewers and listeners who openly mocked Dodson, completely ignoring the rape survivor narrative embedded in his story
2. the white middle class hipster-nerd comedy troupe that made money off of the rape and attempted rape of poor black women and girls and the one man willing to stand up for them
3. the mainstream feminist blogs and feminist communities who have remained largely silent on Dodson’s sister despite the core issue of rape

The multi-racial viewers and listeners spent their time laughing at Dodson and mocking him and his sister in print in the youtube comments for days. The video received some of the largest hits of the week when it first went up. The auto-tune version played black radio stations and a black marching band even set did their own rendition, laughing at the “ghetto” in ways that I personally cannot excuse as black humor as survival but rather black humor as classism and internalized hate. Amongst the 100,000s of people commenting on Dodson or the autotune song, very few talked about the heinous act of rape, the existence of a serial rapist in the area that had gone unchecked for an unspecified amount of time, or the engineered tragedy of the state’s willingness to abandon poor women and girls to predators. In other words, the chance to mock an uneducated black man was more enticing than the fact of violence against women and girls. MORE

Finally we hear from Kelly Dodson video at link with full transcript

Kelly: (unintelligible) There’s really not much that I can say right now because I don’t know how to explain it to you because you really did a lot of damage to me whether you know it or not and if it wasn’t for Antoine, you probably would have got what you came in there for but you didn’t. I just want to know how you feel about the situationMORE

and The accidental fame of Kelly and Antoine Dodson has a different perspective on the subject:

Even though the whole debacle can be seen by some through the lens of “poverty porn,” this can also be viewed in another light. A light that by instead of being stoic and polished, the Dodsons actually got more attention for their plight and the issue of crime in poor communities BECAUSE people found the clip unintentionally funny. Antoine’s message was received (“Obviously, we have a rapist in Lincoln Park …”) and the community took notice.

Said Kenyatta Cheese of KnowYourMeme.com to NPR:

“Kelly and Antoine may be victims but they are fearless,” Kenyatta told me. “They both take control of the camera and call out their attacker. They issue a call to action telling people in their community to look out for the perpetrator. And yes, Antoine may not seem traditionally articulate, but he uses his time on camera to be performative and create spectacle and that gets our attention. In that sense, he’s probably more effective in getting his message out there than a more traditional community ‘representative’ would ever be.

“To me, Antoine Dodson is brilliant.”

MORE

The last time I checked, Mr. Dodson had used the proceeds of “The Bed Intruder Song” to move the entire family to a safer neighbourhood and is planning to go back to school. The spotlight isn’t on Kelly Dodson as much, so I am not not able to discern what she is going to do.

Rape is a multifaceted problem, and it happens not only because someone decides to overpower and forcefully assault a weaker person, but because society condones it. And the lower you are on US societal heirarchy, the less society gives a fuck a fuck about your safety and wellbeing. This series of linkspams will try to examine the various ways in which society’s prejudices help to perpetuate the rape culture in the US (with an occasional piece on Canada).

Rape Culture USA: How race, class, misogyny and homophobia intersected in the Kelly and Antoine Dodson story -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

So I got into a conversation with someone on LJ who was determined to pretend that they knew how to be a real American. For a whole host of reasons that schtick gets on my nerves. When it comes from someone who is willfully ignoring social and historical context it really annoys me. But, this post isn’t about that person. I know, not what you expected right? No, this post is about their friend who ran to not only defend their bigotry, but to tell me all the ways I was getting being black wrong.

Not just in the actual post (which was stupid enough for three lifetimes), he also decided to private message me and went on for some time despite me saying repeatedly that I wasn’t interested in his BS. Cited credentials for telling me to change my approach to life included knowing POC and having sex with at least one at some point in the past. The exchange (which is long and kind of creepy) can be found in my Livejournal if you want to hurt yourself. But really, it doesn’t include anything new. It’s more of the same old patriarchal imperialistic BS encased in concern trolling (no, the perpetrator is not who you just thought of) and only upsetting in that way that happens when there’s someone creepy talking to you and they won’t go away, but you’re not in the mood to make a scene.

In other words, not scary enough for screaming, but annoying enough to make you hostile. Pro tip: If you say something like “That’s not really (insert ‘ism here), this is really (‘ism) and people like you are just taking things too seriously/being professional victims/part of the problem because you’re living in the past” chances are excellent that the conversation isn’t going to go anywhere good. Now I know someone’s going to say “But I’m just trying to help. If we could all just look at these things logically and not get so emotional then we could solve the problem. There’s no reason for you to get so angry.” That’s just concern trolling 102. The mindset that lets you tell someone they should turn off their emotions in order to discuss an emotional issue is so privileged that it boggles my mind. Granted, I’ve noticed that such comments come most often from people who don’t have a dog in that particular hunt, and so they think they know everything about how to handle it. But as someone with a (metaphorical) dog? None of my hunts have room for bystanders. Whether I’m discussing, race, class, misogyny, or even the parenting issues that come hand in hand with having a special needs child I don’t have the time or the inclination to give up the emotions that have me so invested in fighting the good fight. I need that fuel to keep going, because otherwise wading through whatever hot mess is in front of me would wipe me out. When you’re a bystander it’s easy to turn away from the issue and rest, because it doesn’t affect your day to day life. But for the people it does affect? There is no rest from it (other than perhaps death) because it is a integral part of their life and they must deal with it every day in order to navigate the world. So you can either shut up and listen, or just shut up.

You’re certainly free to run your own experiments (elsewhere!), but don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting the rough side of someone’s tongue for saying stupid shit and not listening. I know if you try this on me, I’ll mock you, I’ll talk about you, heck I might even talk to you…but I’m not changing a thing. Not just because I’m stubborn (though I am) or even to prove a point (though it will) but simply because I already know that the source is a bad one and should be ignored. I learned a long time ago to distrust anyone who wanted me to ignore the reality of my life because it made them uncomfortable, or because they wanted me to join them in their fantasy world. I think we need a concern troll Bingo card in the worst way. Possibly one for each ‘ism though I suspect that we could just play find and replace with key words in these conversations and it would be the same basic set of invalidating lines. Someone commented elsewhere that my latest troll sounded like an abuser, and I had to laugh because I’d already drawn the comparison in my head, and then debated whether or not it was hyperbolic before pointing it out in one of the messages. Granted no one’s come to blows (yet), but it sure felt like that stage where the abuser tries to make you doubt yourself enough for them to weasel their way in and hurt you in the name of ending racism love.

Shut Up Creep or Why I Don’t Care What You Think I Should Do -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

So, there’s this thing happening in the black American community (and outside it) where women who look like me are supposed to be grateful for any crumbs that happen to fall into our bleak little lives. Apparently, our lot in life is to be miserable unless some rich educated black man wants us. We’re struggling to survive on our own in a world where we might have to actually be self supporting and self loving, and we don’t even have the good sense to realize that it’s impossible to be happy with ourselves as long as we’re not reflecting the picture society expects. After all, such stellar catches as Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, and Michael Jordan have opted to seek out women of a…lighter persuasion rather than black women.

It’s questionable enough that anyone believes that three dudes who wouldn’t understand fidelity if it walked up to them and sat in their laps being unavailable to black women is supposed to be a clear indicator that black women aren’t valuable. Erm, how to put this politely? Oh right, I’m not in a mood to be polite so I’ll just say flat out I wouldn’t touch any of those cats with my worst enemy’s vagina mmkay? I have standards for the men in my life that include things like trust, respect, and at least a vague grasp of human decency. For the record? I’ve been married twice. The first time was a hot mess in that way that can happen when you’re 21 and too dumb to read the big flashing neon signs that say “Leave this dumb bastard alone” but my current marriage? Loving it. He’s black, educated, and has a good relationship with his mother. It wasn’t hard to find him (I wasn’t even done with my divorce when I met him as a matter of fact) and he has never expected me to be someone else. He loves me for me. I love him for him. That’s our big secret. We’re not unique in this respect either. There are plenty of happy black couples (married or not) out here leading their lives without feeling the need to resort to a Stepford process for either partner. That’s before we get into what it means to be LGBT and unable to legally get married in a lot of places. Newsflash: Not every black woman wants a man. And even for the ones that do? Marriage isn’t necessarily their first priority.

Now, let’s take a second to be real on the topic of marriage. The institution grants certain legal protections and rights, but it doesn’t guarantee a happy couple or even a long lasting relationship. For further proof on that topic feel free to check out the relationship history of the three celebs I’ve already mentioned along with Swizz Beatz, everyone on Basketball Wives, and most of the rest of the modern world. That 50% divorce rate has nothing to do with the flaws of black women and everything to do with the reality that people get married for the wrong reasons to the wrong people everyday. As societal panaceas go, marriage has never really been all that effective despite the hype about the good old days. In the good old days, women got stuck in horrible relationships, men brought home social diseases, and everyone wished they had way out that was socially acceptable and didn’t result in life long poverty. So, let’s drop this idea that marriage has ever been the institution to grant us a stable society. It can’t even grant a stable relationship. And really, if we’re going to harp on the value of marriage? Let’s make it available to everyone instead of offering up expensive substitutes and insisting marriage only has one meaning. If some pop star can get married for 56 hours and the institution still have meaning in the aftermath of that quickie divorce? It’ll be just fine.

This phenomenon doesn’t just rear its ugly head around our love lives though, we’re also supposed to hate our hair, our skin, even the shape of our bodies, and we’re supposed to strive to achieve behavior patterns that are in direct contradiction to our personalities as soon as someone hints that they find us too strong/abrasive/angry/loud or whatever other bullshit excuse they can trot out as part of the effort to denigrate and demean every facet of our existence. After all, we do insist on wearing our hair the way it grows out of our heads, and choosing colors and styles that highlight our skin tones as well as displaying our bodies in ways that we find flattering. I mean, whoever heard of someone wearing a sleeveless top indoors in the winter? Oh wait, I lift weights (and kids) on a regular basis and I also wear short sleeved or sleeveless tops most of the year too. Because they’re comfortable and I like them. And really, what gives anyone the right to police our bodies as though they don’t belong to us? Whoops, I forgot I’m supposed to be begging everyone else for their approval as part and parcel of my experience right? Right.

Except that’s not ever going to happen and the fact that a lot of people are assholes isn’t a reason for black women to turn themselves inside out. It is a good reason to ignore the assholes and keep going about the business of life. Yes, even with “nappy” hair, my natural eye color, and an ass that makes skinny jeans self-destruct I am happy to be a black woman. I love myself, and I love my life even if someone says I’m living it wrong. Instead of finding new ways to insist that to be a black woman is to be miserable, how about celebrating all those unique qualities that are inherent in our shared existence? Oh right, that would require putting down all those ‘ism’s people love to cling to wouldn’t it? I guess if you can’t give up the sexism, racism, and classism then we’ll just have to learn to live with the hate and keep doing our own thing.

On Being A Black Woman and Happy With It -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

So apparently this month is LGBT Pride Month. I therefore snagged this from ontd political which gives the info that it was first put together by students of Earlham College and then link-enhanced by the current poster. Do I need to mention the part where ‘phobic assholes of any kind will be summarily deleted and banned? Oh who am I kidding? Homophobic, transphobic, any ‘phobic assholes of any kind will have their comments summarily deleted and be considered for banning depending on the severity of the offense. That having been said…on with the show.

I can be pretty sure that my roomate, hallmates and classmates will be comfortable with my sexual orientation. (Example: “Gay bulling in schools ‘common’” – BBC | Campus Climate for LGs – The Task Force).

If I pick up a magazine, watch TV, or play music, I can be certain my sexual orientation will be represented. (Example: More gay characters on TV now than before – Variety | LGBT Character Shows May Lose Tax Credit – SD G&L News).

03. When I talk about my heterosexuality (such as in a joke or talking about my relationships), I will not be accused of pushing my sexual orientation onto others.

04. I do not have to fear that if my family or friends find out about my sexual orientation there will be economic, emotional, physical or psychological consequences. (Example: PFLAG Rejection Statistics – PFLAG)

05. I did not grow up with games that attack my sexual orientation (IE fag tag or smear the queer). (Example: From Bullies to Heroes: Homophobia in Video Games – Student Pulse.)

06. I am not accused of being abused, warped or psychologically confused because of my sexual orientation. (Example: “Camp that ‘cures’ homosexuality” – Times Online.)

07. I can go home from most meetings, classes, and conversations without feeling excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped or feared because of my sexual orientation. (Constance McMillen Wanted to Take Her Girlfriend to the Prom, So the School Board Canceled it – CBS News.) It’s also worth noting that CBS probably chose the worst picture of her to pair with that article. It’s hard to say if that was motivated or not.

08. I am never asked to speak for everyone who is heterosexual.

09. I can be sure that my classes will require curricular materials that testify to the existence of people with my sexual orientation. (Example: Banning Gay Books – Alternet).

10. People don’t ask why I made my choice of sexual orientation.

11. People don’t ask why I made my choice to be public about my sexual orientation.

12. I do not have to fear revealing my sexual orientation to friends or family. It’s assumed.

13. My sexual orientation was never associated with a closet.

14. People of my gender do not try to convince me to change my sexual orientation.

15. I don’t have to defend my heterosexuality.

16. I can easily find a religious community that will not exclude me for being heterosexual. (Example: Homosexuality and Religion – Religion Facts).

17. I can count on finding a therapist or doctor willing and able to talk about my sexuality. (Example: Rekers and the Barbarism of Anti-Gay Therapy.)

18. I am guaranteed to find sex education literature for couples with my sexual orientation.

19. Because of my sexual orientation, I do not need to worry that people will harass me. (Largest Ever Study on Anti-LGBT Harassement – GLSEN).

20. I have no need to qualify my straight identity.

21. My masculinity/femininity is not challenged because of my sexual orientation. (Examples: Are Gay Stereotypes true? – ABC).

22. I am not identified by my sexual orientation.

23. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help my sexual orientation will not work against me. (Example: ‘Doctor Shock’ – Huffington Post.)

24. If my day, week, or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it has sexual orientation overtones.

25. Whether I rent or I go to a theater, Blockbuster, an EFS or TOFS movie, I can be sure I will not have trouble finding my sexual orientation represented. (Example: Before ‘Bruno’: A brief history of gay characters in movies and TV – NY Daily News).

26. I am guaranteed to find people of my sexual orientation represented in the Earlham curriculum, faculty, and administration.

27. I can walk in public with my significant other and not have people double-take or stare. (Example: Kiss Off: A gay couple cited for holding hands on Main Street Plaza – Salt Lake City Weekly).

28. I can choose to not think politically about my sexual orientation.

29. I do not have to worry about telling my roommate about my sexuality. It is assumed I am a heterosexual.

31. I can remain oblivious of the language and culture of LGBTQ folk without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

32. I can go for months without being called straight. (I suppose this depends on where you are and who your friends are.)

33. I’m not grouped because of my sexual orientation.

34. My individual behavior does not reflect on people who identity as heterosexual.

35. In everyday conversation, the language my friends and I use generally assumes my sexual orientation. For example, sex inappropriately referring to only heterosexual sex or family meaning heterosexual relationships with kids.

35. People do not assume I am experienced in sex (or that I even have it!) merely because of my sexual orientation. (Example: GLBT Stereotypes – GLBT Social Sciences).

36. I can kiss a person of the opposite gender on the heart or in the cafeteria without being watched and stared at. (Example: Is Main Street USA Ready For Gay PDA – ABC News).

37. Nobody calls me straight with maliciousness. (Example: John Mayer’s Apology Wanted for Use of Gay Slur – Aceshowbiz).

38. People can use terms that describe my sexual orientation and mean positive things (IE “straight as an arrow”, “standing up straight” or “straightened out”) instead of demeaning terms (IE “ewww, that’s gay” or being “queer”).

39. I am not asked to think about why I am straight.

40. I can be open about my sexual orientation without worrying about my job. (Example: Bias in the Workplace: Consistant Evidence of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Discrimination [.doc download] – UCLA).”

Can you add more?

Linkspam: Unpacking the invisible knapsack Straight privilege edition -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

TRIGGER WARNING

NO VICTIM BLAMING IN THE COMMENTS OR YOU WILL BE BANNED. WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. AND MALICE AFORETHOUGHT. I HAVE. NO. PATIENCE. PERIOD. you have been warned.

Because you cannot trust them. No really.

Of course, not all of them do that. But how do you know that your cop won’t?

And even when you get a good cop, the system and society itself is really, really, really really, fucked.

And then to top it off, POC face the extra burden of cops deciding to frame men of color instead of investigating to find out the real rapist. (And do not even BEGIN to think that you can use that last sentence to start propagandizing about how all women are liars and how all rape cases are made up etc. I will delete your comment and ban your ass so fast your head will spin. Just go read this: The Duke Lacrosse Case: Exploiting the issue of false rape accusations Thanks Alas a Blog). The point of the comment is that race and class sometimes intersect in the criminal justice system so that instead of properly investigating crimes, the police will go after vulnerable populations because it is easier.)

I have not even begun to consider the maelstrom that is domestic violence and abuse. Nor have I begun to look at stalking. Or street harassment. Never mind  the subject  of how state violence intertwines with and perpetuates violence between individuals.

To say nothing of the truly complex and so important issues when class and race and disability and various sexualities and whatever else intersect. Think the police response to transwomen of color who have been raped and beaten and killed by boyfriends and sometimes the police themselves. Think the police response to undocumented gay immigrants being abused. Think police response to poor POC vis a vis rich white women. think police reaction to poor white gay domestic violence and rape, never mind gay  POC domestic violence and rape. Think police response to disabled people who might be communicating though American sign language, or be blind, or mentally disabled. Think about religion fer instance. How might police respond to Muslim couples, what with the widespread prejudice in America now? As compared to Christians? And exactly WHEN is the federal gov’t going to fix the  total fuckery that has made Native American women among the most battered and raped community in the united states? If police pay little attention to rape, how much do they pay to street harassment? And those threatening behaviors that are not illegal, like forcing someone to stay in a room and watch sex acts? And what happens when domestic violence and rape touch down in the middle of activists fighting the prison and police industrial complex? Call the police? Really? And what about sex workers Never mind sex workers who happen to be transgender? Hell trans people when murdered are regularly assumed to be sex workers even when they are not, and this is one more brick that is used against them. And then we have male POC survivors. Exactly how many of those, having been on the butt-end of police racially profiling them, immigrant raids and all the other manners of BS, are going to overcome that, plus societal pressures that say that men do not get raped because they always want sex, men don’t get beaten up because they are stronger than women, all of this; to report domestic violence and rape to the police? Precisely how do you think the police would respond?

See also :Types of Sexual Assault and Biblical Battered Wife Syndrome: Christian Women and Domestic Violence

And i can’t remember if I linked this and I am too tired to look through that thicket in html We Are the Dead: Sex, Assault, and Trans Women

*sigh* I am tired but I know I have missed stuff. So drop links and debate in the comments but again I warn you that victim blaming of any sort will result in comments being deleted and me resorting to banning if you insist on being an asshole.

ETA: Remember when I said our society was really fucked up? What about the Menz Indeed

In what is one of the most deplorable examples of “What About the Menz” I’ve ever seen, Milwaukee County’s chief mental health official, John Chianelli, decided to placate violent male psychiatric patients by housing female patients in the previously sex-segregated locked ward. When the integrated ward resulted in a surge of sexual assaults against the female patients, Chianelli then defended the decision as a “trade-off.” MORE

Our society is FUCKED.

linkspam: Why didn’t you call the police? Part One -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman

I’ve been struggling with writing this post for some time now. On the one hand there are things I feel need to be said about the treatment of Caster Semenya (especially in light of the news that she has been placed under a suicide watch), on the other hand I don’t want to add to the ridiculous, offensive, dehumanizing treatment that she’s been receiving to date. There is this sick undercurrent to the coverage reminiscent of the treatment of Saartjie Baartman (better known as the Hottentot Venus) particularly with the framing of the discussions of her body. There has been a rush to compare Caster to “real” women with pundits pointing to the size of her breasts, her shoulders, even the shape of her jaw as “proof that she is a he and should be disqualified” because somehow there’s a specific concrete metric for “normal” femininity.

And if you’re deemed to be outside the range of “normal” all the basic rules we were taught as children about polite behavior and common courtesy fly out the window. If the press coverage is any indication many people feel entitled to poke and prod and discuss her body like she’s specifically on display to satisfy their curiosity. After all it’s not like she’s human or anything, what with her having the temerity to (maybe) be born intersexed. Instead she’s a freak with no feelings, no right to privacy, and above all no right to her own body. Right? If you’re staring at your screen right now and contemplating asking if I have lost my everloving mind? I totally understand that reaction. Because it’s how I’ve felt every single time I’ve read an article about Caster’s “condition” or seen someone expounding at length on her body without once pausing to consider that her humanity is being questioned along with her gender. Looking at the descriptions of the treatment of Sara Baartman I’m sure a modern reaction would include an acknowledgment that the way Sara was treated was abominable.

Of course it was abominable and shameful and disgusting. So is what’s happening right now to Caster. And it’s not just about the treatment of Caster Semenya. Yesterday I got into a long protracted discussion about someone wanting trans people to explain the workings of their sexual organs so that they could include a sex scene in a story they were writing. And I explained over and over again that no one should feel entitled to such intimate information, especially to satisfy what amounted to prurient curiosity. And all the basic arguments from the bingo card were laid out (including my favorite “Well how else are people supposed to know if they don’t ask?”) because apparently for a lot of people it has never occurred to them that they don’t have a right to someone else’s body or to their experience. It has literally never occurred to them that people who are not like them have boundaries. Because they’re curious about the “freaks” and their curiosity trumps any delusions of humanity or equality.

Between the misogyny and the racism and the privilege and the sheer entitlement on display this is one of those areas where intersectionality cuts to the bone and then beyond. Being human isn’t about fitting into a box designed by someone else. It’s not something other people get to define for you. And if you think that the way Caster has been treated makes sense because she’s a public figure, or you think you have a right to treat people like an exhibit to satisfy your interest in their experience? You’re directly using your privilege (whatever it may be) to oppress someone. This idea that examining and inspecting and discussing someone else’s body is acceptable behavior because they are “different” is so reprehensible. But, it is also an idea that permeates our culture. That’s the point of tabloids and gossip and fatphobia and every other ‘ism I can think of right now. That’s why a friend just posted about having to tell someone repeatedly that they were not going to be allowed to touch her hair only to be met with questions about why she was refusing. As though she owed this person access to her body.

Curiously enough I think we can all agree that we expect our boundaries to be respected. That we expect people to have some sense of manners and decorum and not stare or point or generally treat us poorly. So then, why are we as a culture so comfortable deciding that the Other (as defined by us) is supposed to accept our intrusion? What is this idea that that they should explain their experience to the world at large? It’s always framed in terms of normal and different, but other than being a member of the majority what gives us the right to define normal? The oppression inherent in turning the public’s gaze to someone and demanding that they explain themselves is often waved away as just a part of life. Because somehow the public’s desire to know has become the public’s right to know. And the idea that knowledge is power has been turned on its head to give the “normal” the power over those that they deem to be Other. It’s unacceptable behavior no matter how you frame it and we should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Race, Gender, and the Oppressive Public Gaze… -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman