I hurt myself today. I was on Twitter talking about rape culture & this triggering victim blaming post at VSB. And it triggered the hell out of me so I’m just going to say up front that this is coming from that place. See, I said the things I needed to say, but now I have to say something else & it is too long for twitter. And although I am directing this specifically to black men, overall this is something I feel needs to be said to everyone. Black women (like me) are more likely to be victims of domestic violence and sexual assault than almost any other group (the numbers are also incredibly high for NDN women), and we are out here on the front lines every day. Black men expect us to have their backs in battles with institutionalized racism. And mostly we do. But, we’re not seeing a whole lot of return on that investment when it comes to institutionalized racialized misogyny. And that fucking hurts.
Yes, on an individual level some of you are right there in the trenches with us. But some of you? Man look, I know life is hard for everyone of color on some level, but we shouldn’t have to worry about being safe from men in our communities as well as men outside our communities. And yes, men are victimized too. I know that, but I’m a woman and I’m going to speak from my experience in this post. Because here’s the thing, it’s easy to say that women should know better, do better at staying away from bad guys. But, it’s not like they’re wearing a sign around their necks. And often those guys have friends who are decent dudes. So we assume that they are decent too until they show us something different.
Sometimes they show us early enough & lightly enough that we get out of the situation basically unscathed. But sometimes? Sometimes your boy that you know ain’t shit that’s been dogging some broad out? Yeah, he proceeds to fuck that broad up the first time she catches wind of a problem. And instead of jumping bad at him, too many of you start blaming her. That’s a terrible thing to do. And you know it. Because your boy has already told enough jokes, or said enough off shit that you wouldn’t let him near your sister, your baby cousin, or your best friend. So, why is he still your boy?
Real talk, I have some female friends that are messy who don’t do half the shit I see some dudes out here doing, and I keep them away from my guy friends. Because they’re messy & I don’t want anyone I care about to get hurt. If I could I’d warn off some other folks too. But my friends aren’t rapists or abusers. People like that don’t get to stay in my life. Some of you are friends with dudes who are both. Hell, some of you reading this (whether you admit it to yourself or not) are guilty of those behaviors. And while I’m all for redemption or whatever, I really need to know how much shit has to happen to black women at the hands of black men, before y’all start checking each other? What does it take for men of color to really collectively dig into confronting their privilege & misogyny? We know some of you hate us, now we want to know what those of you who don’t hate us are going to do about it?
I guess it’s a need to hold onto what little privilege they have. That mixed with the belief that WoC (especially Black women) are made of teflon and don’t require the same sympathy and attention White women would.
I’ve heard people say that Black women need to be “broken” because they’re too confident and won’t take crap that other groups of women would. Anything to excuse that behavior I guess.
True story:
One Saturday afternoon, my old neighbors were having an argument. The dude was drunk, as usual, and he was yelling his head off at his woman for supposedly hiding his liquor. It was escalating from bad to worse. The woman walked out, but the guy followed behind her – with a bat. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I stepped in and tried to calm him down at the risk of getting my ass clubbed. I stood inbetween him and the woman and tried to calm him down and get the bat away from him. Soon, he dropped his bat and left. I picked it up, and asked the woman if she was okay.
While I was in the middle of that, I wasn’t scared as I was angry at this guy. I wanted to beat him down if he took it there. I couldn’t stand to see her get yelled at. Soon, the women in the neighborhood came to her aid. I’m glad they did.
The problem is he argued with her before, but it didn’t get as bad as it did that day. I always stepped in to see if she was okay, and the cops are familiar with this guy as he’s known to drink a lot. Other than that, I honestly didn’t know what else to do but be there for her since the cops seem to care less.
What suggestions do you have?
Thanks for writing this. It is really disturbing to see sexist victim blaming in spaces that are supposed to be safe. I have seen how other men of color (including some from my community) who label themselves “activists,” but refuse to hold themselves accountable for their sexism and misogyny. Instead of taking responsibility, they get defensive and use their activism as a “shield” to get away with their misogyny.
More men need to speak out and not only confront the sexism and misogyny of other men, but also the sexism we have internalized. Sexism and racism are interconnected, so to fight against racism, but then participate in sexism is to undermine the struggle entirely. Ignoring this connection centers anti-racism on male-experiences and overlooks how women of color experience “institutionalized racialized misogyny,” as you put it.
Victim blaming is dangerous and there can be no liberation when women are blamed for rape and sexual violence. It is NEVER the victim’s fault. Men have to take real responsibility for unlearning sexist socialization and their complicity in sexism and misogyny. We cannot end oppression while reproducing it within our communities.
Well I feel sorry for any black woman that actually expects black men to collectively have our backs. They have shown through actions and words that will never happen. Therefore, I have chosen to put them on mute whenever they complain about racism or white oppression.
As far as I’m concerned their problems are not my problem…just like black women’s problems/issues don’t seem to be their problems.
@Brotha Wolf:
Seriously, just being there is so critical. So helpful. Be there, be supportive, don’t try to solve her problems, just listen. As long as she knows there’s a man(? I shouldn’t assume) who isn’t judging her and being an ally, that can help her a great deal.
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