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On Being A Black Woman and Happy With It

So, there’s this thing happening in the black American community (and outside it) where women who look like me are supposed to be grateful for any crumbs that happen to fall into our bleak little lives. Apparently, our lot in life is to be miserable unless some rich educated black man wants us. We’re struggling to survive on our own in a world where we might have to actually be self supporting and self loving, and we don’t even have the good sense to realize that it’s impossible to be happy with ourselves as long as we’re not reflecting the picture society expects. After all, such stellar catches as Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, and Michael Jordan have opted to seek out women of a…lighter persuasion rather than black women.

It’s questionable enough that anyone believes that three dudes who wouldn’t understand fidelity if it walked up to them and sat in their laps being unavailable to black women is supposed to be a clear indicator that black women aren’t valuable. Erm, how to put this politely? Oh right, I’m not in a mood to be polite so I’ll just say flat out I wouldn’t touch any of those cats with my worst enemy’s vagina mmkay? I have standards for the men in my life that include things like trust, respect, and at least a vague grasp of human decency. For the record? I’ve been married twice. The first time was a hot mess in that way that can happen when you’re 21 and too dumb to read the big flashing neon signs that say “Leave this dumb bastard alone” but my current marriage? Loving it. He’s black, educated, and has a good relationship with his mother. It wasn’t hard to find him (I wasn’t even done with my divorce when I met him as a matter of fact) and he has never expected me to be someone else. He loves me for me. I love him for him. That’s our big secret. We’re not unique in this respect either. There are plenty of happy black couples (married or not) out here leading their lives without feeling the need to resort to a Stepford process for either partner. That’s before we get into what it means to be LGBT and unable to legally get married in a lot of places. Newsflash: Not every black woman wants a man. And even for the ones that do? Marriage isn’t necessarily their first priority.

Now, let’s take a second to be real on the topic of marriage. The institution grants certain legal protections and rights, but it doesn’t guarantee a happy couple or even a long lasting relationship. For further proof on that topic feel free to check out the relationship history of the three celebs I’ve already mentioned along with Swizz Beatz, everyone on Basketball Wives, and most of the rest of the modern world. That 50% divorce rate has nothing to do with the flaws of black women and everything to do with the reality that people get married for the wrong reasons to the wrong people everyday. As societal panaceas go, marriage has never really been all that effective despite the hype about the good old days. In the good old days, women got stuck in horrible relationships, men brought home social diseases, and everyone wished they had way out that was socially acceptable and didn’t result in life long poverty. So, let’s drop this idea that marriage has ever been the institution to grant us a stable society. It can’t even grant a stable relationship. And really, if we’re going to harp on the value of marriage? Let’s make it available to everyone instead of offering up expensive substitutes and insisting marriage only has one meaning. If some pop star can get married for 56 hours and the institution still have meaning in the aftermath of that quickie divorce? It’ll be just fine.

This phenomenon doesn’t just rear its ugly head around our love lives though, we’re also supposed to hate our hair, our skin, even the shape of our bodies, and we’re supposed to strive to achieve behavior patterns that are in direct contradiction to our personalities as soon as someone hints that they find us too strong/abrasive/angry/loud or whatever other bullshit excuse they can trot out as part of the effort to denigrate and demean every facet of our existence. After all, we do insist on wearing our hair the way it grows out of our heads, and choosing colors and styles that highlight our skin tones as well as displaying our bodies in ways that we find flattering. I mean, whoever heard of someone wearing a sleeveless top indoors in the winter? Oh wait, I lift weights (and kids) on a regular basis and I also wear short sleeved or sleeveless tops most of the year too. Because they’re comfortable and I like them. And really, what gives anyone the right to police our bodies as though they don’t belong to us? Whoops, I forgot I’m supposed to be begging everyone else for their approval as part and parcel of my experience right? Right.

Except that’s not ever going to happen and the fact that a lot of people are assholes isn’t a reason for black women to turn themselves inside out. It is a good reason to ignore the assholes and keep going about the business of life. Yes, even with “nappy” hair, my natural eye color, and an ass that makes skinny jeans self-destruct I am happy to be a black woman. I love myself, and I love my life even if someone says I’m living it wrong. Instead of finding new ways to insist that to be a black woman is to be miserable, how about celebrating all those unique qualities that are inherent in our shared existence? Oh right, that would require putting down all those ‘ism’s people love to cling to wouldn’t it? I guess if you can’t give up the sexism, racism, and classism then we’ll just have to learn to live with the hate and keep doing our own thing.

41 thoughts on “On Being A Black Woman and Happy With It”

  1. bucketlist says:

    I guess you are able to spout this type of things since you are married and all, however, just because we, as african-american, males get tired so loud, disrespectful, takers which are the types of women that seem to permiate the dating scene, doesn’t mean that we are dillusional, or expecting too much. I understand all the hype about how the “white man has kept us down and made us hate ourselves,” however black women need to realize that they are not god’s gift to anyone, anymore than “anyone” is a god’s gift to them. I get tired of all these “black-women on a pedistal” commentaries where some female is trying to act like black women do nothing wrong, and every stupid thing they do is somehow attributed to some man waving his arms on the other side of the world. News flash ladies, there is not secret black man butterfly-effect. You women are wrong a lot of the time, for the types of decisions you make, and the types of things that you have told yourselves are important.

    And specific to this article, “B**tch please. You and every other money-hungry, social-clout interested black female would jump on the Kobe, or Micheal Jordan, or Tiger band wagons in a hot second. And actually you all were until they married other-than-african-american mates. So please stop spouting this nonsense like you are so deep that money and social status somehow is not an issue, when the first or third sentence in these lists you all keep for a guy is to have money and status. I am a good guy and treat people with respect, however, even though Oretha made that song all those years ago, no black female today truly understands what that means. (by the way RESPECT is not defined by a male’s ability to take crap off of you and pretend that it is normal.)

    1. nojojojo says:

      …Wow. You’re arguing with something completely different from what she wrote. I mean, you’re just totally pulling shit out of nowhere — or rather, your own colonized, hoodwinked soul — and arguing with that, as if K didn’t even speak. It’s almost like you’re angry about… ::gasp:: …your own issues! That’s an amazing feat, dude. Bravo. Bravo!

      Everybody else, please behold this textbook case of racism and sexism working in tandem to warp someone’s mind. Note the stereotyping, irrationality, and repeated attempts to shame black women for… something… and notice that this person isn’t doing anything but expressing hatred. There’s nothing productive to converse with. No “there” there.

      Next, on the right, we have a sock puppet…

    2. delux says:

      “I am a good guy and treat people with respect”

      Of course!

    3. Witchsistah says:

      Damn. Bitter-ass bitter much?

      Dude, PLEASE get yourself that White woman you’ve been longing for (and really, you don’t have to down Black women to do so. Just you wanting one is enough of a reason) and keep our names out of your mouth permanently!

    4. A. says:

      Hey pal.

      Take a fucking hike. You know, when a black woman states that she’s pleased with herself, we clearly think that we’re “God’s Gift to Humanity.”

      You think that you treat people with respect – I think that you’re smoking crack and you’re just a sorry piece of shit that thinks that a woman respecting you is equivalent with coddling your sorry ass.

  2. karnythia says:

    Newsflash, I never said black women (or any women) were perfect. But we deserve better than these constant episodes of the Blame Game for a problem that isn’t real in the first place. And if any black men want to claim that only black women have issues? They’re still drinking the racist misogynistic Kool-aid and need to go work that ish out instead of projecting it all over innocent bystanders. I was happy single and I am happy married. Why? Because I love myself and unless and until we start looking for partners instead of people to save or people to save us? Any unhealthy relationship between unhealthy people is going to end in tears because it can’t end any other way. As for the rest of your screed? I meant what I said. See, the great thing about thinking of black women as people is that I know we’re all individuals and have our own standards. You couldn’t manage to treat me with respect, so I’ll hazard a guess that this claim of being a good guy is complete BS and keep it moving. There’s a reason you’re only meeting a certain kind of woman and it isn’t because they’re all that’s out there.

  3. tanyad says:

    @Bucketlist, you can’t even respond to the article without calling the OP names so I sincerely doubt you are that nice of a guy. Come back when you can have some adult discourse and not resort to petty names and assuming we’re a monolith like white folks. The OP did not say ALL BLACK WOMEN, in her article nor did she profess to speak for all women, especially in acknowledging that all black women don’t want even want a man.

    In short, learn to read, learn to respond like an adult and perhaps you could take something away from the post instead of calling the OP a money grubbing b**ch.

  4. Jen says:

    @tanyad, excellent response to bucketlist. His response was a bit vitriolic. And, that kind of exaggerated response, rather than a well-reasoned one–or, at least one that didn’t use the phrase, “B**tch please”, I mean, come on–has the opposite of the intended effect. Anyway, I would have been more inclined to give him a second read if he’d taken the time to run spell-check.

  5. Veronica says:

    I don’t even see why you responded to the idiot who commented first. Small, petty people who hate themselves for being black expect all the rest of us to do the same. Continue to speak the truth, many will hate you, but it will be the truth nonetheless. Bless.

    1. kimstrauss says:

      “Small, petty people who hate themselves for being black expect all the rest of us to do the same.”

      THANK YOU. I love this comment, and you are absolutely on point.

  6. Jan S says:

    What everyone else except bucketlist said, and thank you so much for that Jill Scott video. I’m blown away by her voice and serene confidence. Yeow! Adding her name to the to-buy-CDs-of list.

  7. delux says:

    OK who has the kettle corn? I’ve got lemonade.

  8. snobographer says:

    I suppose since money and social status are so important in bucketlist’s estimation, he’d jump all over any chance to hook up with Amy Winehouse or Jocelyn Wildenstein.

  9. Quercki says:

    Nice post. Good points.

    I don’t understand the problem with bare arms myself. Recently, one of my local bloggers took issue with a city council member wearing sleeveless outfits. I don’t care, even if I always wear sleeves myself so I don’t get cold.

    The video is great! Thanks.

  10. bucketlist says:

    This is not meant to continue an unwanted discussion, however, I find it funny how you associate “racism” and stereotyping to events that I have experienced myself, first hand. In fact, just today I complimented a nerdy, slightly homely study mate of mine, whom I felt may need some encouragement, and she simply took it as my attempt to get in her pants. And I quote, “I forgot to compliment you on your dress today, so I wanted to say that it was nice. :)” This simple friendly comment resulted in this chick referencing that she has a boyfriend, and now she scurries from class as though I am stalking her, or something. Mind you this commentary took place only three hours prior and I had not seen her till this night class. You tell me if I am such a horrible guy. And the B… comment was supposed to be a poke at sarcasm, which I guess you have determined is only appropriate if a female uses, such as two homosexual males calling each other B… but getting pissed when the heterosexual male in the room attempts to join in.

    I still don’t get where all this racism is coming from since I have actually experienced all of what I wrote.

    The fair-weather feminism which only lasts until the salary discussion is over, and the garbage needs to be taken out.
    The “I wouldn’t date that guy he has been with too many women.” But then you catch them sneaking out of their room at three in the morning. And the disrespectful, one-track-minded females that confuse being a mean person and self-absorbed for being “independent.”

    I wrote on what I have experienced, and when I came across this blog it struck a nerve. I apologize for the miss-understood joke at the B-please phrase, however, I have been the black intellectual with substance and moral character my entire life, and I am 31 and have no prospects due to my inability to stoop to acting like the same “niggas” that all you professional types complain about having to deal with.

    However, I have seen that it really is not as much that there are not any good guys out there, it is more closely related to the fact that what black women tell themselves is ideal, is not.

    I will probably never find a black female to be my equal partner in life. I find that even at my age, I still find myself being referenced as a “nerd” when around any group of black people. That is until they see me step into a 5-series with the sports package and performance exhaust.

    Then all of a sudden the next time I see those people at another even, I am considered desirable, or worth socializing with, for the guys in that same environment who may have seen me at the last event. I have had almost an entire club of females look at me a scoff as though I am some sort of nark, or undercover police officer. I don’t know too many Policeman who wear Italian suits, however, you know what type of bad atmosphere I am referencing. Still don’t know why these women looked at me like that, because it was supposed to be professionals happy hour.

    (And no it is not that I dress like steve orkel as a grown man.)

    You tell me, is this racism, or am I just plain fed up with the black social scene????

    I should not have to trick you ladies into treating me with some respect, by acting like the assholes that you all seem so determined to bed.

    Tear me down all you want, but I am not as stupid or inept as you want to believe, ladies.

    I also find it funny how women can rant about how horrible males are, but no one dares reference the illogical things that you ladies do to perpetuate the counterproductive aspects of your own existences.

    Like blaming the dogs that you insist upon inviting into your beds, for not staying around and acting like I was brought up to. You make a point of looking for characteristics which are only truly exhibited by womanizers, but you act like it is a mystery that the guys are not reliable. Oh, and my favorite, the “grown women that is still discovering herself as if this is her first year out of her parent’s house.

    1. HC says:

      The problem isn’t your describing your life experiences – it’s your assessment of the author as a money hungry, and social climbing. And using the word ‘you’ instead of ‘they’.
      You have no prospects cause you won’t act like a nigga? So can I read into that and say that’s because you’ve narrowed YOUR choices to women with a particular appearance and age and have dismissed any of us black females that don’t fit that mold? Can I say you’re prob one of those looking only at the light-skinned, slender, weave wearing or naturally straighter haired black women that Hollywood accepts more readily into their fold?
      I know too many black women who don’t need and can’t hang with a ‘nigga’. And yes – a woman of ANY age can continuously ‘discover’ herself.

  11. Pingback: repost of Being a Black Woman and Happy with it. « The random musings of a 1973 Original
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  13. bucketlist says:

    I also forgot that I am the other dark meet. The guys that you ladies pride yourselves on making fun of all through young age, and into adulthood, and then decide after you have had your fun, that you want to get with one of us and share “our” 5K-square foot home.

    Maybe that is why you find it hard to believe that I can be so frustrated with women and their treatment of those whom do not exhibit the stereotyped characteristics of black suaveness, and still reference myself as a “good guy.?”

    I guess I will just say that this is one black “nerd” as so many of your female counterparts have refernenced me to my face and otherwise, who is not just laying down and settling for some attractive social preditor. But then again, I am not allowed to have feelings or opinions other than “women are god’s gift” so they deserve to be able to treat people like dirt and then benefit from the same type of person’s success when they determine they have enough to be considered “datable in leu of their lack of being like Denzel Washington.”

    1. HC says:

      I didn’t make fun of ANYone. And neither did my sisters, nor my cousins. We’d have had our hides tanned by our caribbean parents!
      What aren’t there any female nerds ’round your way? I was one – and I’ve met plenty of others. I won’t claim the type of women you’ve met don’t exist. But YES, they are a SUBset of the whole of us.
      Something’s wrong with the direction of your gaze.

  14. Pope Lizbet says:

    Oh, bucketlist, honey, you brought your “nerd” argument to the wrong party. The ABW bloggers are fannish nerds of color to a woman.

    You need to Google the phrase “Nice Guy TM” and hang out with what you find for a while. Trust me, you’ll be better off.

    1. Witchsistah says:

      Couldn’t you just introduce him to one of your White female relatives instead? Buckethead knows the last thing he wants is a Black woman and is just trying to talk himself into being with a White woman via talking to us and projecting all his anti-BW hatred onto us as an excuse.

    2. The Angry Black Woman says:

      Yeah, I was confused by the whole “I’m a nerd” thing, too, as if I would not love to find me an awesome, nerdy person to date. You’d have to be a nerd to roll with me, anyway, as non-nerds do not understand why I would leave them behind for 6 days to go to Wisconsin and hang out with a bunch of other nerds.

  15. Witchsistah says:

    Bucket, it seems like you’re angling for BW here to beg you to stay with “us.” Hee! Hee! Not on this site, dude. We honestly do not care how much money you make or how much stuff you have or how big your house is no matter how many times you drop that info in. Like lizbet said, we’re all nerd girls here, probably the type you’ve overlooked because we’re too dark, our hair’s too nappy and short, look too Negro, don’t have the right body type or ARE truly too nerdy for you. Oh, there are sites out there where BW do just that, beg Black men not to “leave” us for non-Black women. They’ll practically throw you a parade for not being like “those” other BM and will worship all the stuff you’ve managed to acquire even as you denegrate them for noticing it while you wave it in their faces. They’ll promise they’ll duly drink your dirty bathwater there and that not all BW are like the dirty, evil, nigger bitches you’ve so far encountered.

    But not here. More and more BW are realizing something. No, it’s not that BM are sorry or trifling. No, it’s not that non-BM, particularly WM are our saviors who poop Camay bars and whose farts smell like Chanel No. 5. It’s that we’re in the third damn millenium and grown folks can do whatthehellever they wish with other consenting grown folk of sound mind. Folks may have an opinion on it, but they cannot stop what grown people do.

    I’ve been seeing comments like yours in magazines and online for over 25 years now. And they’ve probably been going on for far longer. That’s simply as long as I’ve been paying attention. Trust, your feelings are nothing new. I remember BW, even from way back then, begging BM not to give up on us, promising that we’ll grovel sufficiently at his feet if he’ll just love us. I’ve watched to see how far that begging has gotten us.

    See, if you’re at the point of begging, man or woman, than you’ve lost. You’re either proclaiming yourself as so unworthy of the person that you either 1) need to do some major work on yourself before soliciting that person’s companionship or 2) just fing your own level; or you’re submitting to a jerkface. The thing is, you start off begging in a relationship, you’ll stay begging all throughout it. I don’t see the point of begging anyone to be around me. I don’t believe in trying to hold folks hostage or make them do things they don’t want.

    So, I, along with more and more BW, realize that what BM decide to do is none of our business if we’re not romantically attached to that particular BM. If I’m not with a dude romantically, it doesn’t matter whom he’s with. You can’t control other people, no matter how much you want to. People have the annoying habit of doing what they want to regardless of how you or I feel about it.

  16. bucketlist says:


    Thank you guys for telling me what I want, as black angry women always seem to know better than the person talking what that person is about, and what they know, or feel.

    I may have said something about white women, in the first post, however, I don’t find them attractive to be honest.

    It is funny how black women keep perpetuating the nonsense that keeps guys like me tired of the social scene.

    If I wanted a white woman then I would just go and try to meet one. I just find it frustrating to continue to find it difficult to find an African American female who is not some tired fake, shell with all the right cloths, or what she thinks are the right things, and no personality beyond that “ABW” shell.

    Still don’t see where the racism, and tendencies to date white women are coming from.

    But that is always you guys excuse when a black guy has legitimate issues with how you do things, and there is no real explanation for it, so you just write his indications off as some sort of indirect racism towards all black people perpetrated by an uncle tom type of character.

    I think I am done here. (I know you are sighing with relief, however, you have not truly addressed anything I have said, other than painting me as a racist, and picking though what I wrote.)

    And the “nerd” argument is not an “argument” it is how black women are brought up to feel about the men they date.

    If you don’t have pimp tendencies then you are seen as something with a flaw, because you carry your self with respect and don’t try to have sex with everything that moves.

    And why is it that whenever I ask the question, “why can’t I find a female that isn’t full of it, out for their own agenda, and not mean,” some black women in the room starts talking about my dating a white women????

    In this situation it is understandable, however, it is funny that all those negative personality traits are ALWAYS assumed to be associated with a black female, and this assumption always comes from another black female.

    It is kind of funny. I am a physicist so I am around international people all day long, and it is just disappointing that the best that we can do is pretty much present the scenario that “If you don’t want to deal with an attitude, or hidden agendas then go date another race.”

    Very original ladies…..

    Hehehehe. I am a frustrated black man, with prospects, and qualities to give, however, evidently unless I look like Kobe briant, and have the suaveness of Denzel in one of his better films, then no black female cares.

    There is one thing that I do notice about women from other countries. They actually care about the person, and find it an added bonus if they have social status, or a lot of money, however, they seem to be genuinely interested in the person.

    When have you ever seen on one of those stupid lists that women keep, at least the black ones, where having a personality and being a good person matter????

    And if it is even on the list, how far down on the list is it????

    Like I said, you can shoot me down all you want, and poke fun, but at the end of the day, I find that it is just as much black women’s fault for the current iteration of stereotypes that permeate our culture as the media.

    That may be due to the media blitz poisoning our young people, but still, when you go out on the town, the stereotypes are what you find. Be blind to it, and keep shouting on the fair-weather-feminism rooftops, but the end result is a populus permiated by stereotypes, and I for one, am sick of seeing it.

    1. Witchsistah says:

      Bucket, I suggested dating WW because you seem inconsolable regarding BW, not because I think BW are all crap or all harbor the negative stereotypes YOU see us as soley embodying. YOU were the one that kept throwing up your education, occupation and all the stuff you’ve managed to acquire to show due affluence and as a message that us nigger gals had better start acting right or else you were done with us and were taking all your goodies with you. Seems to me you’re just about there anyway.

      Basically you came here expecting us to beg for you to think better of ALL American Black womanhood as if you’ve been around all of American Black womanhood. You’re now upset that we’re not doing that. No one here is going to beg or try to convince you to do anything, to stay with BW or even think better of us. As I said, we cannot control what you think, how you feel or what you do. We’re not even going to try. We wish to put those energies towards other more promising and fruitful endeavors.

      Since you’re around international people, why NOT start dating internationally, especially since those women know how to treat a mayun since us American nigrah gals do not.

      The lists men keep are no more deep than those that women keep regarding what they want in a mate. Usually, for many men, personality is the pea somewhere underneath a mile deep layer of desired physical attributes.

      The women here are a mixed bag. Not even all of us are Black. Some of us are partnered and others are not. Of those that are partnered, some are with non-Blacks and some are not with men. I don’t hear anyone here lamenting their lot but you.

      But hey since you’re going anyway, I guess the only thing really left to say is, “Boy, BYE!”

    2. The Angry Black Woman says:

      Bucket, take Pop Lizbet’s advice and look up the “Nice Guy TM” before you comment here again. Otherwise, you’re just derailing. And I’ll have to slide you into the moderation queue.

    3. HC says:

      Buckets – you’re right. Not one black woman exists that is good enough for you. We have the wrong standards, perpetuate self-destructive mistaken choices, and we don’t know how to look inside ourselves and SEE the flaws that you’re so highly aware of.
      We think TOO highly of ourselves (which, somehow, is a problem for you) and we’re hypocrites. And not a single one of us (based on your words) has any understanding of true value – yourself.

      Aren’t you glad there’s not a single one of us in your life? You don’t have to put up with any of that mess.

  17. bucketlist says:


    I understand your point of view, and it is valid, however, it is not that I am begging black women for my interest. I am sick of the stupid stuff that is perpetrated that I have experienced, and that black women seem to back up. I am not quite getting where you are trying to say that I am trying to get BW to beg for me to stay with them. (I am a bit lost on this one as well.)

    Honestly it is a shame that when you indicated that you want simple, human decency, black women take that request,(to not act like a shallow, crass, vindictive person) as some sort of request to become weak.

    Really doesn’t make sense how “Please stop being a vindictive, when I have not done anything to you” get translated into “grovel at my feet you lowly female” in the black woman’s mind.

    Anyhow, Have fun messing up the meaning of what I was saying, and trying to emasculate me by trying to turn my direct statements into whatever nonsense it gets translated to which keeps coming out, “I want a white women???”

    When the hell did I say anything about wanting a white women???? (That was my first thought after reading the other post)

    Oh, and by the way, you guys are not psychic, and you don’t know the future, or the past just by reading some lines on a blog, so it really just looks ridiculous to make the assumptions that you guys have.

    Stop trying to warp what I am saying into something else, and maybe you would understand what I am talking about.

    But as I have seen in the dating scene, black women only seem to have the capacity for low-witted discourse where they can shine at picking apart peoples words and throw them back as if it were some sort of game of “who can be the most spiteful respondent who is out of context in the first place.”

    Alot of your found that my original response was out of context, however, the atmosphere of “I am woman, I can do what ever I want because it is always someone else’s fault, hear me roar” type of mindset that I detected which caused me to respond in the way that I did. I still don’t quite understand the racist aspect or the “I gotta get me a white woman” aspect of any of these correspondents, however, I guess it really doesn’t matter since you guys are deciding what I am talking about, rather than actually reading what I write. (Oh, so familiar…. It is like I am dealing with an ex-partner or something….)

    And please guys, unless you do work with mathematics on a daily basis on the level of a physicist or mathematician, then please keep intellectual jabs to yourself. It is really not necessary and quite out of place. (And as in real life, it would really be embarrassing if you were to try that “black women know everything” nonsense, and you turned out to be talking about a subject with which the individual has extensive knowledge on. (Like some chick actually trying to argue with me one time in reference to how many ECUs are used in the E92-M5…. But I was the asshole when I turned out to be right???)

    Well, I am done here. Have fun with things. I know I will. Man this has been an eye opener.

    1. Witchsistah says:

      Honestly it is a shame that when you indicated that you want simple, human decency, black women take that request,(to not act like a shallow, crass, vindictive person) as some sort of request to become weak.

      Really doesn’t make sense how “Please stop being a vindictive, when I have not done anything to you” get translated into “grovel at my feet you lowly female” in the black woman’s mind.


      Honestly, for every sob story a man has about women treating him badly, a woman’s got one too. When I’ve asked for simple human decency I’ve often been told to my face that I was too dark, nappy-headed, skinny, nerdy and Negro-looking to get it or that I might get it if I put out. When I showed that I was a loving, generous person, it was taken as me being an idiotic dupe. And no, it was not just thug-life Tyrone that did that to me, but striving, educated, dapper Darnell as well.

      Dating battle stories are common because it’s simply that oftentimes PEOPLE do not know how to treat others. No, scratch that. They know how. They just choose not to do so.

      So take you and your mathematical brain to your department and ask one of those non-Black, non-American honeys out since we suck so bad.

  18. Jennifer says:

    Awwwww, poor widdle angry bucketlist. Tell ’em why you mad, son!!!

  19. KairoKitty says:

    Bucket oh Bucket I have to be honest with you after the first couple of posts I stopped reading yours in their entirety. You see I have a finely tuned BS meter and your readings are registering extremely high.
    First of all Black Women are not a monolith. We don’t all want the same things, act the same way or are all attracted to the same men or men at all quite frankly. Open your eyes, ears and mind and act accordingly and you might have better results with them.
    Second you seem to think that you are a ‘nice guy’ or are a ‘good catch’ but clearly from your communications that might not be the case. There are several posts and articles out there about the myth of the nice guy or are you as nice as you think you are. You might want to look them up, I would have linked them but frankly I have already devoted more time to you than I should.
    Third, I also detect some bitterness on your part that seems to stem from the fact that since you look ‘good on paper’ or you seemed to have acquired all the ‘right things’ that this whole dating / relationship thing should be easy. Sorry to disappoint you, but finding or creating a satisfying relationship aint easy and anything that is worth it usually never is and the sooner you see the truth in that the better.

  20. Witchsistah says:

    And I love how dude proclaimed us wannabe mindreaders when HE was the one who started by telling us we were all a bunch of sour grapes, hatin-ass-hatin’ golddiggers simply because we were apparently all Black women.

    You and every other money-hungry, social-clout interested black female would jump on the Kobe, or Micheal Jordan, or Tiger band wagons in a hot second. And actually you all were until they married other-than-african-american mates. So please stop spouting this nonsense like you are so deep that money and social status somehow is not an issue, when the first or third sentence in these lists you all keep for a guy is to have money and status.

    And for a dude with such an apparently scientific brain, he doesn’t seem to get that if you keep running into the same type of folks the common denominator is always YOU and maybe YOU need to revise your selection process. This mathematician seems to think 2+2 WILL equal 5 if you just badger the equation long enough.

  21. Kit (Keep It Trill) says:

    You said, “He loves me for me. I love him for him. That’s our big secret. We’re not unique…”

    It’s that simple when two people leave their baggage behind, something that one hater on this thread has lots of.

  22. Brownsugahkis says:

    Karnythia, thank you for this AWESOME post. Sometimes, we need to be reminded that we have to love and nurture ourselves.

  23. Katie says:

    Loved this. Fuck yeah.

    Also – is that Cornel West towards the end of the video for a minute? That’s a fabulous song! Perfectly complements the post!

  24. Hodan says:

    Is there a particular reason many of you are engaging in a dialogue with a person full of hate for women, let along black women? Its time for black women to stop discussing, discoursing and negotiating with racist minded black men with inferiority complex who have so much hate and disregard for black women. Ignore this person and let’s stick to an environment free of hate. I’ll suggest people follow the advice by the amazing Khadija:

  25. tanyad says:

    I’m so glad I didn’t keep responding to that fool. I noticed he only responded in ways to keep the argument going rather than to actually have some discourse with the folks here. I’m glad to be out of the dating pool if such quality finds as this one are out there.

    I swear I’m sick of people who act as if Black on Black love is some relic that needs to be hunted down on a National Geographic special and its suddenly the hot thing because of the First Family. Black folks in love is nothing new and it will keep going as long as we live, and not let fools like bucket keep talking that crazy ish’.

    Rock on ladies, do the damn thing!

  26. eshowoman says:

    Wow! I think black woman have a right to be angry. We also need to mourn the loss of so many black men, who have turned their anger towards those who give them life, support them and have gone without for them. This is painful stuff and we should have the right to go through all the stages of loss and come out the other end with love and acceptance for ourselves and those who truly love us. We have passed the tipping point and sadly many of us have to make this journey that started in the 15th century. I am doing dealing with it by writing my blog the Angry Black Woman Watch on a daily basis. I was only going to write about the recent bizarre emphasis on single, educated black women and found that I have much more to say. I try to deconstruct the stereotypes, honor black women and wag my finger at men who obsessed with non-black women all with a sense of frustration and a great deal of humor.
    Ignore bucket. Black men have to deal with their own anger and hatred, we cannot help them at the expense of our own health, well being and sanity. I like this blog and come visit me sometime at

  27. GlamGyrl says:

    Unfortunately, the sick, racist denigration of Black women is increasing in the media. I personally know attractive, sweet, smart BW who choose to be single rather than settle for a self-hating BM who stereotypes BW and uses how European-looking a woman’s skintone/facial features are to choose a date. The happiness of no woman is dependent on a man. Women live full lives and help each other despite the racist pea-brains of this world.

  28. gingergal says:


    I’m a sister and I actually agree with you about how some sisters have some truly f***ed-up issues when it comes to men and how to treat them. For example, I have a roommate who is narcissistic as hell and thinks the whole damn world revolves around her—she gets on my nerves with that BS—as if she’s the queen and everybody around her is supposed to just automatically serve her her ass on command. Never mind that she’s a broke-ass, recovering ex-drug addict who can’t be bothered to get a job because she’s used to men taking care of her, she thinks she is the s**t for whatever the reason. I went the hell off on her a couple of nights because the room was burning up and she was too damn selfish to share a fan with me and another roommate.

    Anyway, my point is, before I started venting, was that I know how some sisters can act a damn fool and act as if a man owes them something just for existing. However, you came at the ladies on this blog with some nasty assumptions of your own, which was just wrong as hell–you really got off on the wrong foot. Not ALL sisters want a rich brother to scheme on—maybe that’s the kind of sisters YOU know, but to come on here and accuse women you don’t even know of being gold-diggers and all of that is total and complete BS. It sounds like you’re been going out with the wrong kind of women and that you need to start looking for one that you have more in common with. But,anyway, I’m probably wasting my breath since more than likely,you won’t come back to this blog for a followup.

  29. gingergal says:

    BTW, I forgot to mention that I’ve been reading the Angry Black Women blog for a couple of years and that I’ve always enjoyed coming here to read everything on it—this is my first post–yay! I especially enjoyed the blog about the White Savior meme in films like AVATAR. Also, there’s this new book called I DIDN’T WORK THIS HARD JUST TO GET MARRIED that all of you on this blog should check—it’s about sisters remaining single, their reasons why, and why they’re come to love it.

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