Comments on: Does Street Harassment Ever Lead To True Love? (My Guess: No)

By: Maggie

Maggie — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:20:54 +0000

I thought about this very issue recently. At a party, I met someone who said he’d met me before.
“Where?”, said I.
“Starbucks,” he replied.
And then he reminded me of the situation – he saw me through the window and walked in. I was reading. He asked to share my table. I agreed. He tried to initiate a conversation by asking, “What are you reading?”, to which I responded with, “A book.”
He got the message and did not persist. Took out some papers of his own and started reading.
At the party, he told me that he felt a bit hurt that evening, because I did not want to talk. I told him that his way of initiating a confersation was simply awkward, and that if he wants to get to know a woman, he must find a mutual friend or do some such thing.
He said, “But what if we don’t have mutual friends, or I don’t know who they are?”
“Well”, I said. It must happen to women, occasionally, to see a man that picks their interest. And a man with whom they have no friends in common. But women, generaly, don’t just walk up to men and ask for a phone number.

By: julie brilliant

julie brilliant — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 10:12:57 +0000

i feel this is “just” another site of power contestations by dicks. They make us feel like we were public property like our bodies are only waiting for men to comment on it, like out worth was determined by how fuckable they consider us. So the trick with the compliment is game, it is sweet and bitter and the same time. I am supposed to feel flattered if some random asshole comments on me, no matter what he looks like. Men don´t put inti question themselves, they do not reflect on masculinity and how they perform it. Then if my body is reluctant to take the “compliment” or rather being taken by the man that complimented, I resist. I question him, his authority to call me out somewhere on the streets, when i was anything but busy with him, not asking for no comment, not in need for his words. What happens next is the guy that just wanted to be nice (lol) turns aggressive, a minute ago I was hot now I am a bitch, arrogant and ugly. I should be glad any guys wants to fuck me at all.
It is all about power, and men struggling to keep power over us.

By: Franki

Franki — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 02:52:35 +0000

I wish there were more incidents like this. There is a very big difference between a polite compliment and a “holla,” and more men need to be taught that the former is less likely to make us want to cut them.

By: gardnerhill

gardnerhill — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 06:57:33 +0000

I may have cured one 50something fart of that “Smile, honey!” crap. (With its evil addendum, “, things can’t be THAT bad!”) I looked him in the eye coldly and said, “You know, you’re right. I’m not the one who’s got leukemia.” (I’d just found out the day before that my not-yet-2-year-old niece had to start chemo.)

By: Magnetic Crow

Magnetic Crow — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 01:58:28 +0000

I used to get told to smile all the time, and (being an Aspie) wondered if there was something wrong with the way I was presenting myself. I was pretty shocked to find out it was such a common thing to happen to women. Not cool at all.
Like Anna, I’ve also had smiling at people backfire at me. Sometimes, when I’m walking down the street in a really good mood, I will just smile. For a while, I took that “Smile at a random stranger, it will improve their day!” adage seriously, too, and would occasionally make eye contact and smile at passersby. This resulted in something like a 75% spike in the amount of street harassment I received. Always ruined my day.
I hate that my reaction to a (male) stranger making eye contact has to be a glower, lest he take it the wrong way and try approaching me. I’ve been put into too many uncomfortable situations to want to risk my overall happiness and wellbeing for the sake of politeness.

By: GallingGalla

GallingGalla — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:13:07 +0000

I’ve experienced street harassment ranging from “pretty woman” come-ons to some very ugly shit. Being trans, i can never tell how much transmisogyny is involved with this harassment – but why bother even to separate it out? It’s misogyny all the same.

When the dude who says to me “my what beautiful long legs you have this morning”, it makes me feel tiny, under a microscope, exposed, vulnerable. it is a frightening thing, to wonder what the comment will be followed up with.

When the dude at the train station tells me my *walking sandals* are too big for my feet and starts bragging about his crocs – yeah he sat down next to me for this – no, you are not going to get a conversation from me. What you will get from me is lip and my walking away.

I also hate the “smile” shit and consider it harassment. Those dudes I want to show them with my fist, just how lousy I feel that day – like ABW says, they should be grateful that assault is illegal.

By: Saladin

Saladin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:48:25 +0000

Folks, I understand that one needn’t call oneself a feminist to get skeeved out by men. And as I said, the most nakedly hostile/hyperagressive street ‘game’ rarely gets a man laid and, as commentators have said, is more intended to intimidate than to score.

That said, anyone who believes that the SUPPOSEDLY nicer, SUPPOSEDLY gentlemanly version of this stuff (the sort that Ireneybean alludes to) never works — that is, never gets a man laid — is living in fantasyland. I mean, getting laid and asserting one’s superiority via sleazy intimidation are hardly mutually exclusive goals. In a better world they would be, but the fact is many a street ‘complimentor’ has both aims in mind.

By: Godheval

Godheval — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:27:36 +0000

While it may seem obvious that the street harassment strategy doesn’t work, for the guys who do it, it’s more like a “nothing to lose” gamble. If it works, great, if it doesn’t, then they lose nothing.

The sad thing – and I have seen this in person – is that it works a reasonably high percentage of the time. Most of the women here are probably well-educated, well-versed in feminist sensibilities, and are generally self-respecting. But there are plenty of women out there who are the opposite – have low self-esteem, and who simply do not know to expect better.

So, if you’re a “street harasser”, and you’ve got nothing better to do, why not “holla” and see if you can get lucky? Morally reprehensible but a logically sound gamble.

By: Chuck B.

Chuck B. — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:59:46 +0000

While my comments were never crude, I have found that complimenting a woman’s attire, or making adetailed compliment of a woman’s hair (i.e. That style really opens up your face, that short style really compliments your eyes.) has worked for me in terms of getting gal pals.

I usually get a HUGE smile when I say things to women I do not know like “Wow! that is a cool suit…is that Jones of New York?” or “Pardon me, but I’ve gotta tell you those are some kickin’ shoes.”

Now if I am in a small or enclosed space I do follow up with some phrase to let them know I am not a threat or interested in more than the compliment: I might mention my wife, or talk about being a straight guy influenced by two older sisters so I like fashion more than football, but I have never had a woman react angrily.

In the end, however, maybe it’s that since I am not looking to “hook up” that comes through. Also, I only do it when I am moved to do so, so maybe my sincereity they sense.

Of course I never compliment just one woman around her friends, that’s just asking for trouble. (particularly if their friends need some fasion help).

By: Ireneybean

Ireneybean — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:18:52 +0000

Harassment? Absolutely not … the only time I’ve ever been approached by a stranger that I came away with a positive feeling went like this:

I was putting my groceries away in the car and a guy driving by in a car rolled down his window and asked me if I was married. I responded in the affirmative and he said, very politely, “Oh. Well, I’d just like to let you know that you are a very beautiful woman. Have a nice day”.

There were lots of things about this situation that could have been wrong. The whole drive-by nature of it, being approached by a stranger, him leading off by asking if I was married … all these things had my red flags up, but something about how polite and respectful he was about it left me with a positive feeling.

I realize that not everybody would react that way and wouldn’t advise my son or male friends to approach women in that way, but as it did leave me feeling differently than other incidents I thought I might mention it here.