I remember watching Lou Dobbs right when the Prof. Gates scandal broke out and the white guest commentator was visibly angry that Obama would comment on the incident. His under tone to me was how dare this BLACK man critique a WHITE police officer on ANYTHING; regardless of him being president and all.

And the same thing again with the Police department asking for an apology from Obama. I’m thinking how dare they ask an apology from the POTUS!!! Bush started a war, neglected his own citizens in New Orleans, and sunk our economy and NO ONE DEMANDED AN APOLOGY FROM HIM.

I’m not reading where this implies that all white people are bigots.

Here’s how I do read it:

It’s worthwhile for me, as a white person, to take time to think about the fact that when I encounter people of color in a racially-charged context — and every encounter that a non-white stranger has with me will start out racially-charged, at least to some minimal extent — I am seeing them in a context that is already primed with hurt and justified anger.

As wonderful as it would be for me if people of color could see that I’m trying to be better than the overwhelming weight of their experiences with white people, I’m not entitled to any kind of free pass. I have to earn that trust, person by person — just like any other kind of trust.

To insist you have no prejudice pretty much affirms that you do not understand all the components of racism, which means you are – even if unconsciously – exhibiting bias. It’s hard to admit this ugly truth about the world, that racism and privilege are worked into our psyches and into the system, but we must acknowledge this or we cannot make a change. Because the world will not change us; it is by changing ourselves that we will change the world.

I was pretty on board until I came to this particular comment. The good consideration of this post undermined by one person who lumps all of “us” into one category of being bigots.

Non starter: getting angry and fighting back is fair turnabout. Being as bigoted as you oppose is not.

I once knew a girl who was very racist, but I pitied her. Why? Because despite her repulsive hatred, I could clearly see that she had been taught by her parents to hate people unlike herself. She came from an ignorant family and had never been able to truly see anything outside of her own little world. This realization, in part, is what helps me to see what racism is all about.

As to my SIL, I’m not willing to write her off. She has never actually *said* that she thinks white women are the most beautiful. There is just something about her attitude that bothers me. I cannot pinpoint what it is. I’ve noticed this type of smugness in a few other WW as well. She only talks about blond hair and blue eyes as being beautiful in front of me. I’m neither blond nor blue-eyed. I’m of mixed heritage with dark curly hair and brown eyes. Despite my white skin, I am considered “non-white” in a societal context. So in a nutshell, it does make me look sideways at her because why is she praising these attributes in front of her brother’s biracial wife? As if black women aren’t frequently reminded that we aren’t considered beautiful in America. I’m not as insecure as I used to be, but it still makes me wonder.

As previously stated…I’m not into “white guilt”. I cannot respect anyone who engages in it. And I would never try to make anyone feel guilty for being white or otherwise.

However, I liked what you said about people fearing change. This is true on many levels. People also fear what they don’t understand. Fear holds us back from understanding the world we live in and the people in it. Everyone can learn and benefit from one another in some way, if we would only try. A white person who truly tries to understand from a sincere perspective is DEFINITELY cool in my book. Anyone who pretends to care out of some misguided “guilt” is just a phony.

I’m not African-American per se, but my experience is that of a black/biracial woman who has grown up and lived in the United States her entire life. I’ve been in some very *unique* situations, to put it mildly.

My in-laws really are WONDERFUL people. They are very kind. And they seem to accept me without a problem. I don’t believe they hate anyone. It’s just that at times, I wonder if they would feel differently about me if I were not so fair-skinned with obvious European ancestry. Somehow I feel, in the back of my mind, that it would be a problem…sort of like how an ex-boyfriend’s black mother was openly hostile towards me for being light-skinned.

My husband admitted, while we were dating, that his interactions with POC had been mostly limited despite living in Brazil as a child with his missionary parents. He never had anything but white friends as a teenager and never dated a WOC, with the exception of a few white-identified Latinas. He had been trained to never talk about race because it simply isn’t a “polite” subject. It is too “delicate” and “sensitive”. He admitted that he was shocked when I told him that I was indeed considered a WOC. To him, I don’t look the part. He also had to challenge some assumptions and feelings that he had about black women in general. I’d like to believe that he is still a work in progress. I don’t believe in giving up on people even when their views are different. Sure, it becomes tiresome having to constantly explain stuff but it is worth a try.

Melinda, you are incredibly generous with your in-laws. They have a lot of learning to do, and I admire your patience. I am going to remember your patience when I start to lose mine with people who just don’t understand and don’t seem to be interested in gaining understanding. I’d like to recommend a book for them, written by Tim Wise, a white man: White Like Me. I am just starting it, and here is a passage that came to mind when you said your husband’s parents raised him to be colorblind:

“…if you have told yourself you are not to see race, you’ll be pretty unlikely to notice discrimination based on race, let alone know how to respond to it.”

That’s something to think about. Wise extrapolates on it very well. Also, there’s a great piece and discussion on POC in literature here: http://justinelarbalestier.com/blog/2009/08/10/guest-blogger-neesha-meminger/

You might find some helpful passages there to share.

But Judy, I do agree with much of what you’re saying. That is an excellent point. Very insightful. He was raised by two wonderful parents who are blind to the fact that they don’t entirely view POC as equals. I’m not saying that they are racist…far from it.

It simply seems that they are unaware of their own position as white-identified people in this society. They trained him to pretend to be “colorblind”. This might have been well-intentioned, but it is a disservice. His sister, my sister-in-law, is not what I would call a racist either. But it is somewhat clear that she IS aware of her privilege as a white woman in America and she feels entitled to do whatever she wants because of it. She doesn’t socialize much with POC. She seems to believe that all white women are inherently more beautiful than WOC. I wouldn’t call her “racist” because she isn’t…simply a bit ignorant.

BTW, I hope that statement didn’t offend you in any way. I really appreciate your input, especially when you said that compassion is part of the whole deal. Before meeting me, he had never been involved with a WOC. He never understood how this society shapes a woman’s identity and perception of herself. He dismissed me as being “shallow” when I tearfully recalled racial slurs about my hair and other physical features. When I explained in further detail, he realized that he’d been insensitive. He truly didn’t know. I had to “school” him about this. It isn’t shallowness, it is something deeper that devalues POC.