Comments on: Tales From A Survivor

By: knowledge

knowledge — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 20:59:05 +0000

This needed to be said and I just happened to come across it, hence the late reply. Thank you for speaking out. This is actually one of the second blogs I’ve come across to actuall ADDRESS the issue instead of saying “this is yesterday’s news” and all manner of other comments, as if domestic abuse is a one time affair or it goes away with the changing of news stories. Ridiculous! I agree with your sentiments and share them as well. I could not leave without leaving my mark here in support of your willingness to speak out.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:21:51 +0000

You understand.

Whoever wrote that…..understands.

Thank you.

By: this. « guerrilla mama medicine

this. « guerrilla mama medicine — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:11:11 +0000

[...] from angry black woman: tales from a survivor And people will swear that something big must have happened to provoke them, but the reality is that they’re a ticking time bomb. All day. Every day. Whether it is a burnt dinner, a tone of voice, or being successful, there is nothing the victims could have, should have, would have done to defuse that bomb. [...]

By: mama

mama — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:57:55 +0000

thank you. thank you. thank you.

By: Thema verfehlt, aber so was von | Derangierte Einsichten

Thema verfehlt, aber so was von | Derangierte Einsichten — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:45:42 +0000

[...] Da hätte man also auf die tatsächliche Gefahr hinweisen können, aufmerksam machen können, dass häusliche Gewalt dazu tendiert, zu eskalieren, und vielleicht auch erklären können, warum die Frau nicht selbst schuld ist, weil sie den Mann nicht verlässt. [...]

By: Paulus

Paulus — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:33:30 +0000

All too true. Yet abuse shows in both sexes. When the abuser is the female, the male is considered less “manly” if they can’t take it.

Bottom line, ABUSE IS WRONG!!!

By: Tangerina

Tangerina — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:23:37 +0000

Thank you so much for this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years back that thank god never resulted in any physical violence directed at myself (unless you count wall punching… or joke slapping which just seemed like horsing around until I looked back at it’s context after the relationship and only occurred after I said something he thought was dumb… it didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t a joke). Thing is, I still have a hard time letting myself really understand that it was emotional abuse since it never escalated to physical violence or the really heavy shit that some people go through, so I kind of put myself down for not being over it or taking it too seriously. But everything you mentioned in this post was exactly what I went through, except that I got out without injuries. Perfect boyfriend who worked so hard to win my heart until the second I was totally committed and then he just flipped and started trying to break me down in a million little ways (making me jealous, chewing me out for not “respecting his authority”, getting on my case for not reading his mind and showing affection exactly the way he wanted it at that second, pouting since I wouldn’t get my nipples pierced “but once I slept with another girl who had them pierced!”) It really helps to have it validated and be able to call it what it is (abuse!) and not trivialize my own feelings.

By: Rob Hansen

Rob Hansen — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:38:05 +0000

Hmm, turns out that one of those who vocally surpported Brown is himself a wife batterer. No wonder he had so much compassion for the abuser:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0217091howard1.html

By: TBC

TBC — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 10:45:45 +0000

Great post, especially since I think I come away learning a few things I hadn’t really considered in the past. I hope to take this perspective and allow myself to look at the whole domestic violence issue in a whole new light.

By: Aspasia

Aspasia — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 19:16:12 +0000

“Because in their own heads they love their victim. Even when they want to control them and crush them.”

Yes and I would also add that these abusers can also see love as inherently abusive and you show “love” by being controlling and manipulative. Because they lurve the person so much. Gag me with a frakin’ spoon. I also have experienced DV similar to what happened to Rihanna, the choking part anyway. My own father attacked me for reasons too long to go into here. Essentially, as a 23-year-old woman at the time I had the audacity to talk back. Odd that he decided to attack me then because I was never the shy, quiet, submissive daughter type. I’ve been “talking back” as long as I could form words. But again, there’s a longer story involved that I won’t get into here.

I had him arrested immediately after telling the responding officers that “YES I AM PRESSING CHARGES!” too many times for comfort. I learn later from my mother who was present at the time that he did the same to her, in front of his family no less, years ago. She didn’t press charges and they’re still married (41 years). I guess he thought because she and I are so much alike that I would react the same way. Wrong! In the end, though, the court judge decided it was just a “family squabble”. How typical. Naturally, should I ever be at the wheel of a tank or other military spec equipment and the judge just happens to be crossing the street…

That said, I have recovered and while the experience doesn’t “rule my life” I do get extremely angry when I hear about any DV. Then again, even before that situation I did because there’s never a reason for abuse. In a twisted way, I was lucky to be raised by a mother experiencing emotional abuse because she taught me those signs that other women ignore or don’t even notice. I had a potential boyfriend in high school make some crack about my much lighter skin color. I dumped him immediately. That was a five day relationship. Others have followed and my most recent bf I ended it because he wanted to tell me not to wear lipstick. Dude. Who the fuck do you think you are? Of course, some would read this as a woman only requiring praise but I don’t really need that from an outside source. What I require from everyone is respect and as soon as that is not evident, even in the slightest ways, I am done with that person. If I can’t respect a person then I will not socialize with them and I expect the same from other people. Don’t like me? Fine, we can go our separate ways.

Anyway, I’ll wrap this up. I think the abuser mindset is very insidiously honed in this society and way too often it is wrapped up in expressions of “love”. How timely since yesterday was V-Day.