So one of the things that’s been working my nerves this election cycle has been the rush to paint every single bit of language uttered by Obama that could be gendered as proof of his being sexist. The furor over the word periodically was wacky enough (as was the hype over him saying the claws are coming out) but I think Sweetie-gate has officially taken the cake. Was it the brightest thing to say? No. But, that doesn’t necessarily mean it was sexist. Like a lot of MOC Obama has been raised to be very polite to women. Almost ridiculously so. Can you guess why? It’s very simple. He’s a MOC and women (especially white women) are being raised to perceive him as a threat. I can’t tell you the number of time black male friends of mine have shifted their body language so as to be perceived as non-threatening even though they weren’t being threatening in the first damned place. Or the the number of times black men I didn’t know have felt the need to tell me they weren’t a threat if I glanced at them as I was walking alone at night. Hell, the number of comments I’ve gotten about my husband “letting” me walk alone at night from other MOC who have clearly been raised the same way he was to think that protecting women is part and parcel of being a man is a story in and of itself.
My husband and his brothers have all been taught a specific way to interact with women. Now that lesson comes from a few places. Some of it is just what’s referred to as good home training, namely that you’re supposed to be polite to women at all times, you’re not supposed to intimidate them with the difference in size or make them think they’re unsafe in your presence. If someone else is making a woman feel unsafe then you’re supposed to step up and put a stop to that behavior. You open her door, you pay for dinner, and you generally follow the script that says that even though you know she’s strong and can take care of herself, you’re showing her respect by being willing to take care of her. Our communities tend to run off a paradigm where the only men that are likely to show us respect and engage in chivalry are MOC. We’re not objecting to it in the same way that white women might because we get enough of being ignored, treated like one of the guys, or disrespected by men outside of our communities, and by the knuckleheads inside our communities. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to deal with that crap at home and it’s exceptionally nice to be treated like a princess when the rest of the world wants to treat me like a pack mule. Do we always agree about his attitude? No. But, I know he doesn’t think I’m less than he is or incapable of taking care of myself so much as he is trying to show me love and respect in the way that he knows best and I love him for that effort.
Some of that aforementioned training is an acknowledgment that MOC (particularly black men) have gone to jail or been lynched behind looking at a white woman the wrong way. My sons are being raised to engage in the same behaviors because I want to protect them from being a statistic. Look up the Ryan Harris case if you’re wondering what can happen to young MOC that the police decide are predators despite all evidence to the contrary. There’s this perception of black men in particular (though it extends to other MOC) that they’re sexual predators at all times. Look at the reaction to hip-hop as though it was the first genre of music with songs bearing misogynistic lyrics to hit the airwaves. Apparently people have forgotten rock and roll, heavy metal, and country music’s contributions to the sexism that is part and parcel of our society. Not to mention the reality that hip hop ≠ sexist any more than every country song is sexist. Somehow sexism is a major problem when MOC are engaging in it even though quite often according to internal cultural standards they aren’t being sexist or their “crime” isn’t particularly egregious. It’s not really a surprise of course. After all it’s par for the course for imperialistic cultures to refuse to consider the validity of other cultural norms or to recognize that their standards are not necessarily the best option. I’ve got no problem with Obama being called out for engaging in overtly sexist behavior (which has yet to happen) but this rush to condemn him for engaging in behavior that is already pretty subjective (periodically as sexism? really?) while ignoring the reality of life as a MOC in America is ridiculous.
Karnythia is a writer, a historian, and occasionally a loud mouth. In between raising hell and raising kids she usually manages to find time to contemplate the meaning of life as a black woman in America. Her posts on any topic can be found at her Livejournal.
Hara, I’m sorry Obama doesn’t impress you as much of a feminist as Hillary Clinton, who helped destroy the lives of her husband’s employees when they alleged rape and sexual harassment. But the truth of the matter is that Obama would be the most feminist president in history, if elected, and the fact that so many white feminists have a “get a rope” reaction the first time he calls someone “sweetie,” when they turned a blind eye to Bill Clinton’s serious personal conduct problems, only underlines how racist the white feminist movement is.
Good old boy from Mississippi right here, by the way, Hara. But even this good old boy from Mississippi knows a racist double standard when he sees one.
ABW’s post is right on, by the way. The fact that Obama called a reporter “sweetie” is rendered less sinister, to me, by the cultural context of that remark. It’s a no-brainer. “Sweetie” is not an objectively sexist label. It’s rendered sexist by the context in which it is spoken.
But even if he’d actually told the reporter “go iron my shirt,” he’d still be miles ahead of Bill Clinton, and his enabling wife, in the feminism department.
By the way, #3, I wouldn’t call a stranger “sweetie” (which was Obama’s mistake from where I sit), but there are definitely some women I call sweetie. It’s not like it’s a pejorative. Obviously if he’d called his wife or daughter that, fewer people would consider it sexist. So the issue is more familiarity than anything else, and I’ve found that in black communities where I’ve socialized, there is usually much more of an implicit familiarity than in white communities. I’ve walked up to black women (and men) I’ve never met before and immediately gotten a hug. That pretty much never happens with whites. So, yes, the racial context is important.
McCain called his wife as a c*nt, in one of his common temper explosions , in the presence of his staff, the public and journalists.
There was no consequent feminist outrage or discussion, or so it seemed.
Love, C.
I am confused. I was directed to your site some months ago when I made a comment on a blog that some perceived as racist. I had every reason to make the remark, and truely meant no harm by it, and yet I was told it didn’t matter what I “meant”. I explained my reasoning behind it, and that did not matter either. So in an effort to gain knowledge that I was clearly lacking, I began to frequent this, and other sites, about race.
From what I have learned in my very little time sitting and listening is that it doesn’t matter what the intent was, if it was offensive to someone, I should take that into account.
If Obama said something that was perceived as sexist to some women, wouldn’t that make his remarks sexist, the intent behind them is irrelevent? I am just currious, if perhaps I am not understanding the situation correctly.
Hara, are you absolutely POSITIVE that Hillary Clinton will do anything for women as well? She’s proven time and time again that she’s not always in the best interest of Americans in general.
Hi, I’m late to the party, but…I thought that the “sweetie” comment was mildly obnoxious, particularly given that the context was Obama avoiding a reporter’s question. But, good lord, he apologized. He called her to apologize personally and did so in a way that suggests that he is thinking about what he did and sincerely wants to avoid accidently insulting anyone. In other words, it seems to me that he’s doing all the right things. I didn’t like the remark in particular, but I like his response to the criticism and “responds reasonably when criticized” is an excellent characteristic for a president to have. (And neither McCain nor Clinton have it.)
Good point, Foxessa. But then McCain’s a white guy, so…
Wonderful post! As someone who has worked with families of colour for the past 15 years I find it heinous truth that MOC are so often viewed as aggressors, even in the most innocuous of situations, such as simply walking down the street.
Therefore, it is easy to see how ones family of origin would attempt to innoculate them via manners, etc., from being falsely perceived and accused.
I can also see the point made that to use “sweetie,” to dismiss a woman, as Obama did remains sexist and annoying.
Yet it is a forgiveable sin, especially tempered by his seemingly sincere and thoughtful apology.
Instances such as these will likely remain talking points in various conversations for years to come. There is no dichotomy in life and most issues worth discussing appear in varying shades of grey. Semantics are often loaded, even when we don’t intend our words to be and I would imagine there are very few amongst us who have consistently, without misstep, been able to carry ourselves with the integrity that we internally hold to. Racism and sexism are simply too ingrained in this society and those of us who deem to live completely without…well…we do falter at times in our language, even without intent.
I’m a white woman, who will be voting for Obama for President. Hillary was never a viable option for me. I’ve never been comfortable with her handling of CumStainGate. I don’t feel that I need to endorse or even like her, simply because she is a woman, any more than I would endorse Obama simply because he is a black man. We are all free (or at least should be) to choose a candidate based on their record, their stances on issues for which we are personally concerned, etc. etc. etc.
That said though, as a woman, a mother and a feminist…if both candidates had been almost equal in integrity (they haven’t) and issue alignment, I would vote for Obama. For I do believe that whether those of us with paler skin loathe it or not, white entitlement exists. Putting a good man in the White House, a man that also happens to be black, is, in my opinion, going to be a watershed event for the cultural construct of this age. I have nothing but disgust for those who claim feminism and yet rant that they shall vote McCain if Clinton doesn’t run. I abhor Clinton for evoking sexism in her own case, when it is painfully clear that ALL of those oppressed which she so easily references are women of colour.
She doesn’t stand for THEM.
Therefore she doesn’t stand for US.
I would say he has to realize that in his position what is exceptable for a person on the street calling the lady behind the counter sweetie or vice versa as I’ve been called sweetie by countless women over the years, is not acceptable for a Presidential Candidate. He just needs to be careful. Between his minister going crazy upsettin’ the white folk, and Clinton stirrin’ up women his favorable margin over McCain has fallen the past few months.
He just needs to realize everybody is watching him at all times. Then he’ll be fine. Should he be branded as sexist? I don’t think so. Should he be branded as careless? Probably. He must remember the running for President in the country is putting youself in the crosshairs of a scrutiny nobody should have to go through.
Sorry for resuscitating this issue, but I guess this conversation is thought provoking. For me, Obama was exercising some male privilege here, but it would also be interesting to see whether he makes a regular habit of calling any of his following press contingent “buddy”, or “brother”, or “dear” when he’s trying to let them down gently. The “sweetie” was intended to brush her off as nicely but as quickly as possible, and I think the reporter was right in being more offended that he dismissed her question than his use of the word. I get ired when older white women (and sometimes white men) use the word for me, but I also realize that I’m a young-ish looking Asian American woman and that, in various ways, I must look young and easily set aside if need be. (I’ll speak up if I need to in most cases, of course, if, like the woman, I don’t get the respect I deserve.) Obama was right to apologize, but that effectively put the matter to bed for me and I see no reason to police this guy like he’s about call everyone the b-word if we’re not careful.
On a slightly more extreme case of foot-in-mouth, John McCain used the word “gooks” and has yet to apologize, despite the fact that many Vietnamese Americans support him because of his war hero status. I accept that he can be used to thinking that way, esp. as a former POW, and also because of his age. I dislike the fact that he hasn’t admitted that it was wrong, but I also don’t think that this incident is reason enough to vote against him (luckily, McCain provides other reasons) and that Asian Americans can still reasonably see his policies as being beneficial despite whatever leftover of bigotry resides in his heart.
Of course, I should add to that last sentence, IF his policies otherwise reflect a conscientious understanding of issues that affect Asian Americans, which doesn’t seem likely right now.
Jen, not to offend, the candidates may have a point. I have noticed to my annoyance that supporters of Clinton have not called out themselves on their own racism either not to excuse Obama. Also, even if they are not impressed with Obama, why the rush to endorse McCain instead of another candidate including Cynthia McKinney-who is both black and a woman. I got an idea why this isn’t so. I say all this because even though I admire the success and “symbolism” I have my reservations as to electing him because I have as AS MUCH reservations about his policies and demeanor as I do Hillary Clinton’s(I respect her torchbearing role) but this annoys me too. Anyway, I am not here to be an anti- or -pro Obama fan! This is just my take.
[...] talked about the way in which Women of Color view acts of chivalry today. The gist of her insightful post, at least in my humble opinion, is that WoC are rarely, if [...]